Comments for Lonely

Comment on Reading, solitude, and reading “Solitude” by Stella

Stella — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 13:12:27 +0000

Juli, what a beautifully worded post. I enjoyed reading it.

Comment on Reading, solitude, and reading “Solitude” by Juli

Juli — Sun, 05 Sep 2010 18:29:23 +0000

I am half way through Lonely and already the landscape of my life journey has found itself knit together with one thread adjoining all of that which, until now, has seemed like an ongoing disjointed array of problems that, as always, I have yet to conquer. And “What is wrong with me??” has been replaced by a voice that inevitably falls gently onto “Well, it’s no wonder, Juli, look at what you have been dealing with for sooooooooooo long”. I find myself much gentler with myself, with a lot more space to love myself, or a sense that now I might finally be able to.
My ‘thick of it’, as far as I am learning, really stems as far back as the womb. My mother tried to abort – this is not drama gymnastics, just Juli unlpugged. My loneliness was obtusely clear from when I was born. I would not eat, I asked for nothing, I showed no joy, no anger. I came into this world completely disconnected from self AND environment, and I have been trying to find myself ever since – never knowing why I just can’t “get there from here”.
I am 44 now, and I can no longer justify why this part of my life, that is so integral to life, has not changed one iota. Not one. In fact, it is getting horribly worse, or less deniable perhaps as people’s lives around me continue to move forward in ways that mine never has. I am an artist – a fabulous justifier, or should I say jesterfier, that has always been the scapegoat when it comes to denial. I can’t even defer to that anymore.
The arrival of this book has been a very timely one – to say the least. Having heard about it on a CBC interview with Emily, I immediately lit up, and bought it the next day. I never read, and I certainly never buy books. I can’t seem to concentrate when I read – unless it’s Ekhart Tolle or something else that is pertinent to helping me.
As yet, I have not figured out how I am applying this clearer understanding of my life, to my life. It would seem that there is a lot to unravel, and what scares me in the face of this awareness, is that I may never find who I am without the monster called Lonely. A monster that is inextricably woven into my every fiber. One that has protected me, and been my longest standing companion, as well as worst enemy, as far back as I can remember. I was a despondent child from the day I was born. I have no idea how to get back to where I never was.
As far as considering embracing solitude, that concept has been an obvious, yet impossible one, for me. One that is synonymous with internet dating, and taking a group class to meet people, and “put on some candles and take a bath… you should really get out more.”. It’s like that. It feels as shameful that I can’t step into that as being lonely does. But then again, I have not read the book. Invariably, my scepticism precedes me.
Amidst the heavy and thick response to this blog post, I would like to thank Emily for lending me the space to see, giving me hope for hope, and opening my noggin to the concept that I am bloody not alone in what I live. That my symptoms arose from somewhere other than my self. That is really what I need to say. Thank you!

Comment on “How to be alone” video by notabozo

notabozo — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 22:00:09 +0000

These books give the same old platitudes – been there done that – read the same book a million times. It doesn’t matter how much you like yourself – or love yourself. It makes no difference if you find yourself the most interesting person you have met all day – solitude and loneliness are not the same thing.

Comment on Next book — a massive effort by notabozo

notabozo — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 21:56:33 +0000

I think we reach a stage where we accept the things we cannot change because we need to stop our suffering. There is no cure, remedy or hope for loneliness and I think that is why you are stumped.
You have accomplished a wonderful thing Emily – you have opened people’s hearts to let us know we are not really alone but that other people suffer the same malady. This point alone has helped people.

Comment on Next book — a massive effort by Stella

Stella — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 14:11:12 +0000

I feel that way when I am in between reading books that touch me. Books are my friends and when I don’t have a book to embrace and connect with, I feel very alone and lost. When I found Emily’s book yesterday, I immediately felt better, and as I read it, I felt that I had found a new friend.

Comment on Reading, solitude, and reading “Solitude” by Stella

Stella — Sat, 04 Sep 2010 14:06:21 +0000

I read this book by Anthony Storr – one of my favorite books ever. I work in a psychiatric hospital and I facilitate groups in which one of my topics is embracing solitude. Many of my clients, due to their chronic mental health issues, experience chronic loneliness. Often, the hospital is the only place they feel welcomed, normal, their lives validated. I sometimes see them walking alone down the streets upon discharge watching groups of “mentally well” people with a sense of pain on their faces. I wish loneliness was in the DSM-IV. Dysthymic disorder is as close as it comes.

And Mary, I relate to you 100%. It’s like I could have wrote what you wrote. Stay strong.

Comment on Next book — a massive effort by Helen

Helen — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 20:18:20 +0000

A distinctly unpleasant stage, in both writing and clothes-buying. It’s probably why I don’t own very many pairs of pants.

I’m so pleased to hear you’ll be doing more writing on loneliness.

Comment on “How to be alone” video by Kathryn

Kathryn — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 14:18:19 +0000

I loved this video – thank you!

Comment on What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given? by Steve M.

Steve M. — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 09:10:28 +0000

I’ve enjoyed reading the comments here a lot, but one common complaint/observation is something I don’t really understand. I’m one of those people who almost never calls his friends. I’m happy to do activities, even if they’re as simple as going out for coffee, but I don’t crave those things enough to organize them myself. Usually the reason I call people is that I want to use them as an excuse to get out of my house. I recognize in a clinical way that it’s probably healthy for me to socialize, so now and then I do phone people to suggest meeting up, but I’m not very picky about who I call. The most I seem to get from going out somewhere is a change of scenery: new experiences to think about later, at best.

The comments that say `I’m warm, friendly, etc… but my friends don’t put effort into maintaining relationships with me’ make me shudder a bit, frankly. The people I like spending time with most are people who act like I’m barely there. They just go about their business and let me blend into the background. I’m lucky enough to know one couple well enough for that to happen. If I’m at there house and they feel hungry, they ask me whether I want anything, and if I say “No” then they take that at face value and just cook for themselves. When I do crave human company, it’s usually theirs.

Comment on Offline for a bit by Emily

Emily — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 15:52:12 +0000

@Tara: Thanks for the video — I really liked it.