Secondly, I know what you’re going through. I live alone, and I also have spondylolysis. (damaged cartilage in my spine.) I never feel more alone than when I’m laid up on the couch with a bout of severe pain, and have no one to bring me a glass of water, or answer the phone when it rings, or just give me a hug because I need comforting.

Fortunately, living in Toronto with amenities and easy transit and people nearby, things could be worse. But I think for the lonely, the tendency is to say “No, no, I can’t bother those people” and then we sit alone miserable and sick because we didn’t reach out.

Also, know this – we don’t get sick in Manhattan – er, that’s physical sickness.

I am in Western Canada but came from London, England as a young child. As an only child, it meant for me that I was then disconnected from 15 aunts and uncles and both sets of grandparents. I do believe that dislocation was pivotal in my life although at the time, I just adapted to the loss of this family group. Now, I’m at the age that you are also, I feel that lack of close family greatly as my parents have both died over the past 7 years.

I was unfortunate in that cancer meant I wasn’t able to have children when I was 27 and that also changed the course of my life remaining a very young divorcee at 23, when my friends were marrying and having children. Do you know the other day I realized that I’ve never been invited to a baby shower or a children’s birthday party in my life. It just separated me in such a large way from sharing that experience of motherhood with other women my age.

With your grown children at a distance, you have that loss to deal with also and it sounds as though you’d love to have them nearby. Maybe they need to know that you aren’t as happy as you make out to be, creating that image for them of an independent spirit and fine on your own. Perhaps you are trying to protect them from any sense of guilt of their living far away?

You made me smile when you said that when you are with others, often it’s with relief that you are able to be alone again and yet dislike that too. What a paradox it is and I occasionally feel the very same way. So you are not alone in that thought at all.

Perhaps there are similar traits among folks who spend a lot of time alone. After all, one’s environment does shape behaviour greatly.

Sometimes, I even have the humorous thought that even monk’s or prisoners (not much similarity in lifestyles though!) have a less lonely life than I do these days, being surrounded by others all the time.

However, there are wonderful ways to have that sense of connectedness and the computer is one way for sure. And you can quit the connection any time that you darn well want as opposed to folks in your home!! And I’m not making light of this topic at all. We all need a sense of humour sometimes about loneliness, I think, as it’s really, truly most often, not our fault. It’s circumstance, as with yours living a rural life and with your family not often nearby.

As I have said before on a few other posts here, you and others are strong individuals as we cope with something that is truly hidden and sometimes cannot be solved, as you describe.

I find writing is a great outlet. Why don’t you begin a blog and write of your experiences where you live as it’s of great interest to city gals like myself. Honestly!

Or visit here again and write some more as you are very eloquent.

I did ask Emily if there could be a way to privately email on her website, but it must take a bit of configuration on the site to do and so far it’s not possible.

This is a great middle ground however and one that I have thanked her for several times in the past.

Hope to see you here again, Mate!!!

So now I am thinking, my good health is not going to hold out forever, and I am certainly noticing getting older … what am I going to do? I have spent half a lifetime isolating myself in order to feel safe, popping up occasionally to reach out and help others but never allowing help for myself because of the panic it causes within me. I don’t have people I call friends, at all, for that reason. Allowing someone close enough to be called friend is too frightening for me to cope with.

How am I going to manage the remaining one third of my life if I have to rely on others at some stage? It is a really terrifying prospect.

I have followed your posts for the last couple of years and have a copy of your book. I have been “alone” all my 65 years, even though I have a family. I’ve always felt different and apart from people, even when I’m in their midst. I find myself yearning to be on my own after a couple of hours with others in my space…and then when I am on my own for long periods, I feel so sad that I don’t have friends around me to connect to. I don’t understand why it is like this. When I look back over my life, I see that I have shaped it this way. I live in the middle of 50 acres of woodland (we call it “bush” here in Oz) and my husband spends weeks at a time working away at sea and always has. My children love me, but one lives in England (my original home) and the two boys don’t come home much because they know I’m very independent and quite fine on my own!

It would be good to be in touch with likeminded people from other countries.

It seems sometimes there is less and less willingness and/or time or whatever to help out in this way, although sometimes I have observed that a really major need (natural disaster, say) can pull people out. I often feel pretty vulnerable without family in the area and with my closest friend living 75 miles away. Occasionally I turn to my ex-husband for help, and occasionally he is willing to give it–but that can be dicey. I get by via trying to stay healthy, not having my car break down, and trying to keep those pesky needs for outside assistance at a minimum–which is a pretty good trick!

And, to speak to Emily’s original post, the isolation that is usually somewhat tolerable on a “regular” week feels way worse when I am not out and about but home sick. My teenage son is now old enough to provide some company and a bit of caretaking, thank goodness, so that improves things a bit. I have struggled for years to build enough of a friendship network that can stand in, with friendship and assistance, for the absence of nearby family or a partner….and I haven’t been able to make it happen, sadly. I think some people can get the support they need through friendships alone, and I would like to know their secrets, but it just hasn’t worked for me.

Glad to hear you are on the mend, Emily!