Loneliness and homosexuality (possibly Part 1)
Was flipping through the local gay paper this weekend and saw an obituary for a well-known gay organizer. The organizer had committed suicide; the obituary noted that depression had long been a problem.
Nothing in the article talked about loneliness, but the obit made me think about the emails I’ve received from gay people over the past two years. Many of these people have linked loneliness to sexual orientation. They’re not saying that they’re lonely because they’re gay. They are saying that being gay has made loneliness worse, or that they have a harder time finding friends or lovers, or that they’re still dealing with a hostile family or with the residue of childhood bullying.
I didn’t address homosexuality in Lonely, in large part because I didn’t see a connection between what I went through and the fact that I was gay. The vast majority of my interviewees were straight, and we were all talking about the same thing — feelings of disconnection, too much aloneness, etc.
But the obituary (combined with some of the notes I’ve received) has made me think that maybe I’ve missed something. I’m sure that loneliness will be more of a problem if you’re in the closet, because there will always be a gap between the self you’re showing and the self you really are. And one gay man I spoke to — who was very funny and smart — stressed that he was still hindered in some situations because he felt he had “backward” social skills — ie., he’d never learned to date or interact in an “ordinary” way when young. I’ve also heard from people who have had to chose between sexuality and religion, and I’ve heard of (though not from) people who have had to leave small towns in order to be fully out.
In these cases — parting with religion, or with a possibly well-loved place — I can see how sexual orientation might make your loneliness sky-rocket. Any other thoughts? This will probably be Part 1 on this issue, and I’m sure I’ll write more. Right now, I just wanted to put the idea out there. You see, usually I can generalize…I can say, “Well, if it involved loneliness and it happened to me, my observations probably hold for a lot of people.” But that obituary made me think I really missed something, that *my* experience of being gay (within a liberal family, in a big city) might in fact not be at all representative.
Thoughts welcome….more to follow….
E.
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7 Responses to “Loneliness and homosexuality (possibly Part 1)”
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I think this is an important issue. I interviewed a small number of GLB young people some years ago about their teenage years, and certainly not being able to share all of one’s sense of self can create a sense of loneliness. I imagine having a secret of any kind would foster a sense of distance from other people, and potentially loneliness.
Even when it’s not a secret, not having people to relate to and who understand the different experience that is – being gay in a heteronormative world, can contribute to feelings of loneliness, also. As you alluded to, issues of acceptance, understanding and connection – which we all need and act as protection from loneliness, are probably heightened for many GLB folk.
This is a bit of a clunky term – but this issue may come under the umbrella of “difference” and loneliness? or to be pedantic and academic about it! -’otherness’ and loneliness? Sexuality is worthy of attention in it’s own right of course but there might be common elements to the loneliness experienced by those who fall under the “otherness” tag.
Skully has expressed my own thoughts about this much more coherently than I could, particularly with the theme of otherness being key and especially for a kind of learned loneliness, as opposed to it being imposed by circumstances.
Your interviewee’s description of “backward” social and dating skills is perfect, perhaps made more cruel because he is smart enough to recognise it so readily. I’m not clear as to whether he believed it was being gay that prevented the “ordinary” dating experiences when he was young; it’s certainly not a requirement.
Just thoughts…… because there’s nobody else to talk them through with …….. but they say that everyone or a lot of people have secrets….. some are bigger than others. also, I suppose that if “joe” has a secret to everyone of his friends and neighbours etc he might have told 1 person so is it really a secret?
Anyway, if you think about that, then depending on the extent of the secret, it might be a very lonely experience. Imagine you have a secret fetish for XYZ ……. you might be lonely because you’re got nobody else to talk to etc etc. Or say you’ve got a secret addiction ……. you’ve told nobody and your addiction is made worse by the fact that nobody else knows about it …… you might not be a lonely person but the fact that you haven’t told anybody might make you feel lonely about the addiction …. and if you told someone, you might have the same response as telling them about sexual orientation ….. disrespect etc etc.
is this right ot not? can’t tell…… also because I’m a big sleepy now.
But i’m trying to think laterally for you emily to try to give you some potentially new ideas ……
and i know that i have a rare medical diagnosis and when i was first diagnosed i felt very very lonely with all the problems …… very lonely. now i’ve just gotten used to it but it was hard not knowing any adults with the same symptoms to speak with …….
Oh – and another thing – don’t forget you’re thinking of homosexuality …. there’s also asexuality and also polysexuality/polamorous (don’t know the word they use because don’t know the topic ……. sorry) you could also extend the concept to other sexual orientations just to make it more complete.
hope this has given you a few extra things to think about….
Very happy and surprised to see a new post …. very happy indeed
I work in a dowtown TO school with young adolescents 11 to 14 and every year we have gay, lesbian or transgendered children…..and parents too. These children are supported by their parents and the school staff and we have not had one problem. The students get two workshops a year on diversity and tolerance, anti bullying and they live in the Core so they are very accepting. Not so…if you live in a small town or in the suburbs or in the North there the kids are isolated and are subject to discrimination, self hate and sometimes suicide. So, yes I fully think that trauma of being “different” and being unable to express your true self and fear causes lonliness.
Good discussion here. I am a middle aged woman, severely lonely and gay. Of course there is a connection–lack of understanding from my only family member , a brother, and at work,….well, I am not out, although I don’t go out of my way to hide. It’s just that the barrier I’ve constructed for work purposes (education) does not invite people in that closely. I grew up in the 50′s. Hard to break all barriers down. So, yes, there is a correlation to me as a middle aged woman who is gay, and who is very lonely. It’s VERY difficult to break into any social groups. All contacts, including classes etc. are fleeting. No big ideas here, just an experience.
I’m reading your book, half way through and was writing about it on my blog. I thought I’d link to your book in my post and found your website. It was great to see this because it affirmed what I felt so far was that there was more to you and I do see your sexuality as important because I think it does speak to the “otherness” GLBT folks often feel. That feeling often IMHO keeps us feeling separate and alone, not connected to others. I felt that this was a feeling inbred in my family as we were always slightly different than the norm. Small towns where I never felt that I fit in made it worse, I am so thankful that I’ve come to embrace and love my “very rare breed-ness” instead of always feeling something was off with me. I hope that I’ve been able to pass this belief on to my son so he doesn’t struggle with these feelings too.
I hope that people stand proud in whomever they are and I hope this book/blog helps you connect to people in a way that works for you. Thank you for writing your book.
I am 53, gay, and never been more lonely in my life. One fact not mentioned is gay men and women who are secluded in rural areas, away from the cities. I own my own home, have a great job, and have everything going for me. I am out to all my family, friends, and co-workers and none of them really care one way or the other. They always include me in all get togethers and parties (and I love them for it), and yet with all these people around, I am still deep down lonely with all them around. Sometimes being with them brings me too much pain in my heart. My parents have passed on and my siblings have their own family and lives. I miss my parents and grandparents so much. I have had one longterm relationship, 15 years. He had a heart attack at age 38, and after he recovered he felt that he was missing out on the whole big gay world out there and no longer wanted our stable boring life in a small town any longer. So he found himself a youngster and moved to a city. Needless to say I was heartbroken. What a shocker I got when I when I was ready to date again. I detest the bar scene and one night stands. I have tried computer dating to no success, it seems men my age are just as non commmital and stubborn in their ways as ever. I don’t mean to sound like a whiner, as I do feel very blessed. Perhaps when I retire and can move things will change. But yes, loneliness can be a gay mans disease just like for everyone else.