Casual sociability in the big city
Well, I picked a good time to travel from Newfoundland to Ontario: it’s about 100 degrees here, and I’m just stunned with heat. Aside from the heat (which is wild), I’m surprised by the number of people around. As I type, there are people walking down the street, and I have to dodge bikes when I’m off to the shops, and I can walk down a major road and see people sitting in cafes and restaurants.
There’s been an ongoing debate in the emails that have been sent to me about whether a city or a small town is a lonelier place. Both have their advantages and drawbacks. I like the solitude I have in Newfoundland, but I miss the ability to interact so easily — to brush shoulders with people, and listen to conversations in the fruit market, and watch people as they sip their drinks at patio tables.
Last night, I was feeling very much alone, and I said to myself, “Get out of the house. It doesn’t matter where you go. Just go.” And, voila, the streets were packed and I felt more cheerful, more included and connected. I’m not sure if this means that cities are less lonely than small towns — research on the subject shows that loneliness rates tend to remain stable from urban to rural environments.
I think what cities offer is sheer distraction. I know that distraction can become overwhelming, and that I’m enjoying the crowds on the sidewalks because I’m essentially a tourist. But bustle, when you’re feeling lonely, is nice. (I’ll write another post about whether the sight of friends at patio tables starts to cue envy — this hasn’t happened yet, but it’s still early days.)
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 7th, 2010 at 12:28 pm and is filed under the category Social Isolation.
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7 Responses to “Casual sociability in the big city”
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For the most part, I have found that the politics of small, rural towns to be uncomfortably conservative and/or fundamentalist. This is why I prefer the city life.
Emily,
I just recently finished reading your book. Loneliness is a subject that affects me personally. Ever since I remember, I was always alone – even when among group of people. Even among friends, family and in my marriage (divorced now). I always felt like I did not belong. Your book touched me to the quick – it could have been me writing those words.
I was born, raised, and always lived in a big city. For the last 30 years in Toronto. Yet, not a day goes by without me pondering that maybe I should move to a smaller community. Maybe in a small town, I could connect with people more? Maybe I can develop some closer relationship? But, then the somber thoughts strike me that I have no idea about the realities of a life in a small town. For one thing, I’m not a religious person, and I could never “fake” the faith just to join a local church to have some social outlet. In a large city this is not a problem but in a Smallville it could be, couldn’t it? What else is there in the small town? How accepting, inclusive, welcoming are the locals to a single middle aged woman?
And, then there is the question – where do I go? Same province, different province, different country (I have the EU passport)? I do not know a soul outside Toronto – is it even important? Is it all just a fantasy? Isn’t the loneliness just all in my mind – and the location does not matter, and I still will be lonely?
Pls, do not understand me wrong. I’m not a gloomy person. I’m not depressed. I do not need prozac. I love life and welcome every day with a smile. I’m a confident, well educated person successful in my career. My only problem is the loneliness.
I prefer to live in the downtown core – it is better community than the burbs. I know everyone that lives around me have a small yak or the many small grocers that like to share today’s politics. I love the diversity of the people, languages, smells, food, music, festivals – it is easier to be single in the city and observe. There are lots of single people out at the restaurants, patios, museums and even concerts. Many times I have grabbed a single opera seat or rock concert seat. The crowd becomes one and the distractions get you thinking and creating and you might yourself smiling when you are “people watching”.
notabozo,
I’m doing exactly like you – going to the opera and concerts alone, trying to enjoy my latte watching the crowd. But, I have to say that sitting alone in a café makes me realize how lonely I am even more. So, I rarely do it. Like many lonely people, I find consolation in my pets and my garden, and of course my work. I’ve had pets all my life – so I do not think of myself as a crazy-old-cat-woman. What my neighbours think, I have no idea.
In general, I find the large cities very cold, impersonate and disinterested in a fellow human being. Yes, we have more “distractions” but all human interactions seem to be very superficial.
Opposite to you, I do not know people on my street, and I have a feeling that they are not interested in getting to know me. Maybe, because I’m the only single middle aged woman on the street – therefore I’m invisible (yes! I read it somwhere that single women over 50 are totally ignored by the society). The rest are either families with children or couples.
Ella, it is sounding to me that no matter where we choose to live lonliness will go with us. I have lived in small towns, the suburbs and the city and I just find it easier to be distracted and on your own in the city. Yes, for sure I would love to have someone to share things but that isn’t going to happen so I don’t want to deny myself the enjoyment of the city just because I don’t have someone. I think we are in a modern age of telecommunicatins where the art of conversation is dead. Even the music is monotonous and repetitious. Everyone is always so busy and I think why am I not busier – or even busy? Should I pretend to be busy so people will think I am special and want to be with me? I just found out my one and only friend is moving away from my city. I have already started to grieve. Once someone moves away they always say they will visit but it never happens.
Ella, notabozo is right. Big city or small town, loneliness will follow. Much as i prefer the quiet and peacefulness of small towns, a big city offers more. I now live in a place with one main highway, one cinema, one small bookstore, one small library, no neighborhoods to discover, nor places for long walks. After 8 years and once my house sells I shall be leaving….the question, as always, is Where to? I’m trusting the Universe will let me know. And, as always, loneliness will tote along.
A belated note to Ella. I grew up in a small city (which I always to this day call a ‘town’ because I find nothing ‘city’ about it), moved to Toronto where I lived for 37 years and then moved back to my home “city”. I can assure you that it is every bit as difficult, if not more so, to connect with people here as it is in the city. At least the city offers hundreds of possible ways to mingle with other people; not so here. The city does not care where you were born and raised; not so here (am beyond remembering the number of times I’ve been asked this, like it is a Passport needed to cross the city border!); etc., etc. Like anything else, move to “Smallville” if you really, really want to do so and find the perfect place to settle but don’t do it thinking it will solve problems with loneliness because, sadly, it won’t.