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Loneliness and solitude

I was on Wisconsin Public Radio last week, doing a phone-in show, and several people called to ask if I was pathologizing aloneness. Surely, they said, there was nothing wrong with being alone?

And I couldn’t agree more. It’s a bit tricky, since the word “Solitude” is now stamped on my book jacket in both the US and Canada, but I see nothing at all wrong with solitude. Some people can enjoy years and years of solitude without ever feeling lonely. And I don’t think the boundaries between loneliness and solitude are made of stone. Loneliness might “break” at times, and start to feel like creative solitude, while the best bouts of solitude can run off the rails, and start to feel like a grinding loneliness.

I think the difference is subjective need. If you feel content alone, that’s great — that’s solitude, and it can be an immensely rewarding state. But if aloneness is laced with feelings of threat, envy, insufficiency, confusion, and anger, that’s not so great. That’s loneliness.

I, for one, can veer from loneliness to solitude and back again in the course of a day. In the years that I write about in Lonely, solitude was not a frequent visitor: it was loneliness that I was dealing with day after day. These days, my loneliness comes interspersed with feelings of quiet inspiration. And I would never want to give those feelings up; I’d never dream of saying that anything was wrong with them.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 at 9:28 am and is filed under the category Loneliness and Creativity, Long-term Loneliness, Social Isolation.

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5 Responses to “Loneliness and solitude”

  1. On June 23rd, 2010 at 10:15 am
    Iain said:

    Beautifully stated, Emily.

    My own experience of solitude/loneliness is in the changing balance between the two as I’ve become older. Easy sociability has never been a strong point, and when I was younger the escape to being alone felt wonderfully relaxing. Finding things to be inspired by and learn from was instant back then too.

    It’s now, at a time when finding a reward from solitude seems so difficult so often, that loneliness is the overbearing emotion. Rather than being able to focus on the individual things I love before, the feelings of wanting company, the feelings of envy and insufficiency at not being able to just go and find it, fill too many thoughts.

  2. On June 23rd, 2010 at 11:52 am
    anony-mouse said:

    As with a lot of things in life, I think the key word is “control”.

    If you are alone because you want to be, then you are happy about your situation

    If you are alone but you don’t want to be and you have no control because you can’t get out of being alone, then you probably won’t be very happy about it.

    I don’t think I’ve chosen the right words to describe it, but I can only blame it on the fact that it’s 1.20am in the morning. Hope you know what I mean!!!

  3. On June 30th, 2010 at 5:22 pm
    E. said:

    I am still in the process of reading the book, but I wondered if the idea of not being a part of a peer group is mentioned in it. I find that because I didn’t have the opportunity to go to university I am in a job that groups me with workers who are not my intellectual equals. I work for and around others who are educated and accomplished and definitely earn more money than me, and so their lives are in a whole other snack bracket. I get along well with them, but financially I can not keep up with them, hence my imposed separateness. I can’t travel to Spain for a 10 day vacation. I also find it terribly irritating to be around my own level of co-workers whose interests are less than intriguing.
    I function well, bluff my way through and tried to get some formal education, but now my lack of a degree has caught up with me.
    Days are filled with undone things because I am struggling with both my moneys woes, and not being able to attend functions where people spend far more than I can on an outing.

  4. On July 18th, 2010 at 7:11 pm
    Suzanne said:

    My deep regret is that, as I swirl in this torrential downpour of loneliness, there is another part of me that is so eager to announce myself, share my intensity and passion with someone. “If I cried out, who would hear me among the angelic orders…” (Rilke)

  5. On October 4th, 2010 at 1:19 am
    A New Yawker said:

    Emily, what you have done with the publication of your book is miarculous and wonderful. Your blog and the attendant comments have eased my mind better than any Prozac. But I can do you better, Emily – I, for one, can veer from loneliness to solitude and back again in the course of 2 hours.

    I have been very miserable alone all day. Suddenly I remembered you and that I haven’t viewed your blog in months. And now – I am settled, at ease, have felt recognized by you and the people whose comments I read. I don’t feel alone at all now.

    Recognition – muse on that for us, Emily.

    And that fellow who hinted at a Convention of the Lonely. I’ll sign up

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