Why are the holidays so lonely?
I realize that many readers of this blog aren’t Canadian, but it’s a long weekend here in Canada (it’s “Victoria Day” — a celebration, I think, of Queen V’s birthday). And I woke up to the start of the holiday weekend thinking, “Oh no, not three days of this.” And by “this” I meant loneliness, specifically the feeling that I was alone and isolated when the rest of the province–and possibly the country–was out celebrating.
I think much of this feeling has to do with the media. Last night, the local newscast was all about families heading to campgrounds, and parties at cottages, and not driving after “spending time with friends.”
My newscaster often looks straight at the camera before a difficult story and says, “The following story may be disturbing to some viewers.” I think some sort of loneliness-warning should precede stories about huge, intergenerational parties, or three-days-with-friends camping trips. I felt lousy after the newscast, and that feeling lasted until today.
Part of the problem, of course, is that I am socially isolated. But being reminded of the fact that my life is different–and that others aren’t struggling with loneliness–doesn’t make it any easier. My solution is short-term: more nature. Am heading out to the ocean today. Will think happy thoughts (no oil spill thoughts), and will make it through to the end of the holiday.
Best to anyone else out there feeling lonely on a long weekend.
This entry was posted on Saturday, May 22nd, 2010 at 10:49 am and is filed under the category Social Isolation.
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10 Responses to “Why are the holidays so lonely?”
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Hi Emily,
Yes, very difficult, commercialism is geared toward the nuclear family unit or the couple syndrome. On these days I try to do something really special for myself to celebrate like a massage or a new hair cut. I am lucky living in Toronto because it is diverse and there are lots of celebrations that are inclusive and single people out alone are not an oddity. I love nature and the wild but for my own sanity I prefer to be in the urban centre.
I was looking to get away and was stunned that it is double the cost if you are single. Now there is a commercial market- single people getting together to share expences of travelling. Or, better yet, the tourism industry latching onto the new demographic – single people, single travel tours, single gay travel tours, single older people tours – it goes on.
Even a “lonely hearts” single tour.
Emily, are you writing another book?
Emily,
I just finished reading your book, so lovely and so true. I read a review of it in the local paper and am so glad I did. Thank you for writing it. As others state, it resonates in surprising ways. I was too embarassed to put it on hold at the library, so I ordered a copy on amazon, so you benefit financially from all the stigma!
I am 47, never married, hardly any serious relationships, yet well-educated, attractive, and dare I say, intelligent, creative, humorous and interesting! Despite my good points, loneliness, intense at times, has been the background feeling of my entire life. Go figure. Sometimes I wonder what I will do if this feeling remains for my entire life. Can it continue forever? It has been with me so long. It is hard to imagine otherwise; however, I long for intimacy. I’ve tried the internet dating thing too and have actually made a few good friends doing it, so it is not all bad, but I think with creativity comes a little eccentricity, so it is a challenge to find the right fit.
Lately, however, I’ve developed an interest in traveling by bicycle and have gone on several long bicycle trips by myself. It is always a wonderful and interesting experience, and you meet some interesting people. People are more open to you when you are on a bike. So I think you should eschew the group cycling trips and try going solo! This could be a wonderful way to fill your holiday weekend. I find I rarely feel lonely while I am cycling as I am active and out and about. It is a wonderful way to travel and be occupied and be in nature duing the day, but I must admit it can be lonely once you set up camp alone at night and want someone to share the day with. But life is never easy. There is always going to be ups and downs. I am going to Scotland for a month of cycling in September and am really looking forward to it. So my tip to anyone who is lonely–go cycling!
Enjoy your weekend
Emily I wanted to comment more on how the media’s report of long weekend activities can spark an increase in feeling lonely by some by referring to how everyone spent it at parties, with family, going for trips with others and seeing friends. Of course not everyone is doing that but by indicating they all are can lead to those who aren’t feeling left out and abnormal.
Of course it’s not only talk of long weekend activities that spark this feeling, it’s also any talk of situations where people congregate or are there to connect and support someone. Examples of this include christmas where it’s portrayed that everyone is having a terrific time with their family and friends and even moan about “everyone wanting a piece of them” and feeling so “stressed” by it all whilst others sit and think “gees I wish I was in that situation where I was having difficulty finding the time to meet up with everyone I connect with due to having too many of those people to see in such a short time.”
emily
i’ve got a game for you ……. take a bunch of, say, 30 Americans who are going to spend the day out together because it’s a public holiday. They all look really happy … they’re out driving and going to stop somewhere for a picnic, where they’ll get together and eat, laugh, play with the kids … then they’ll pack up and go home.
You think that their all happy, that they’re all having a great time and depending on the person someone might even be jealous of them since they just seem to be having a great day.
BUT this is an illusion. What you see is what you THINK is happening with those people. What you BELIEVE their day and maybe their life is like.
Now here are some facts –
Of those people,
- about 26% will have a mental disorder of some kind (1) ,
– 8% have diabetes (and 1/3rd of them don’t even know it)
(2),
- 30% are medically obese and many at risk of disease (3),
- 8% of Americans have heart disease (4)
…. then there are the numbers of marriages that are unhappy but they still stay together (say for medical insurance, for the kids, for accommodation) the numbers of men who might abuse their wives or kids, the numbers of children with behavioural problems, the numbers of families that are saddened because members might be in hospital, in jail, might have died recently, might be on bad terms with their families
OK now…. can you see that those “happy families” or happy people that you see out supposedly having a great time aren’t what they seem to the naked eye? They almost seem invincible (wrong word… but you know what I mean…..) but they’re not …. they’re just like you and I …. with things happening in their lives that upset them but others just can’t see them.
What I’m trying to say is that “shit” happens to everyone …. but it’s how you can adapt and cope that is important. It’s not easy …. but you shouldn’t think that you are alone. Know what I mean?
This is one of the ways I coped when I was diagnosed with a rare and serious combination of diseases when everyone around me was getting married and having kids, and my life seemed to be going backwards, or even worse.
Know what I mean? It’s not easy but you are very smart and you’ll get over this hump…. you will.
(1) http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml
(2) http://www.diabetes.org/diabetes-basics/diabetes-statistics/
(3) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Obesity
(4) http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/h/heart_disease/stats.htm
Thank you for articulating so clearly and precisely how I’ve been feeling for most of my life – I cannot explain how very comforting it is to know that I’m not the only one on this planet to feel this way! I’m half way through reading Lonely and I’m discovering so much about why I’ve always felt like a square peg in a round hole. Illuminating and thought provoking.
@ notabozo — The second book is getting underway this summer, after I get some other work finished. Yes, it will be about loneliness — more details to follow, as the book takes shape.
I love the comment above about how that togetherness portrayed in the media is largely a myth, because I think that is quite true.
After all, a lot of people reading alone at home over the holidays or organizing their sock drawers doesn’t make great tv, even though it’s probably by far the biggest part of the real picture.
So, a big handful of salt at the ready in advance of watching tv before a national holiday might be a good idea!
Emily, as I’ve stated before, you are a marvel. Your words seem to come out of my head and heart. I cannot take holidays. I am very non-celebratory. I did not go to my law school graduation. I almost didn’t go to my daughter’s medical school graduation dinner as I felt I might, being so much older than her friends, feel out of place.
Someone once suggested I join the Seventh Day Adventist as they do not celebrate birthdays, etc.
Emily, is it possible to get in contact with L, above ? Why. ?? Well, my major escape from loneliness is bicycle riding – and L, above, spoke of her bicycle riding. I would like to bicycle with her as I, too, am intelligent and curious.
I am an addict for cycling. It serves me like Prozac. I bicycle with a club out on Long Island. Last weekend I did 100 miles.
I fully agree with everybody’s points about long holiday weekends. In Canada, from roughly April until October, there is a long weekend every month. It’s hard when your friends at work are excited about the holiday as they get to spend time with family, friends etc. Easter is coming up in the third week of April – alone, but I managed to get through Christmas so I can survive this one. I sometimes go to church for Christmas, Easter and Thanksgiving seasons – while I enjoy it, it’s sad to be there alone when so many others have somebody with them.