Buying Lonely at a bookstore
I had to run out and buy a copy of Lonely recently at a big-box bookstore in town. This was a slightly odd experience for me. When you publish a book, your publisher sends “author copies,” so there hadn’t previously been any need for me to go to a bookstore and buy a copy of my own book.
With my author copies running low, however, I decided to venture out and buy myself a copy of Lonely. The first challenge was finding it. It was shelved–for reasons known only to Chapters–alongside diet and cookbooks. Having found the book, I had to pay for it, and this was where the real fun began.
I was the only person at the checkout, and the clerk looked at the book, and then at me, and then said, “Isn’t that a nice cover!” Now, the cover is nice–I love the birds on a wire–but it wasn’t anything to get too excited about. It was pretty clear that the clerk was a bit unnerved at being handed a book called LONELY, and felt the need to hide her discomfort by making small talk. I toyed with the notion of saying, “I wrote it,” but figured the clerk would lose it completely. As it was, I agreed that the cover was nice, and then paid, happy to have wandered into a small, impromtu field experiment on loneliness and stigma.
My strong sense is that, if the book had been about puppies, or gardening, or booze, the clerk wouldn’t have felt the need to paper over the transaction. It was sort of fun seeing her feel the need to say something about the book. It was also interesting to me to realize I had no problems buying a book called Lonely. Granted, I wrote the book, but I was miles ahead of where I used to be, when signing out books with “Loneliness” on the cover made me feel self-conscious and embarrassed. This time around, I was the one who felt calm, and the clerk was a little freaked out.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 11th, 2010 at 5:50 pm and is filed under the category Stigma of Loneliness.
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13 Responses to “Buying Lonely at a bookstore”
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Hi Emily.
I laughed heartily at your book-buying experience and I am not surprised by the cashier’s response. I have a ditty to share with you…
Two years ago, my husband and I had a crazy notion and moved back East (from where we both hail) to escape the frenzied rat-race tempo of a very large western city. After only a few months of Eastern-living, I was feeling very isolated and yes, very lonely.
Once day, I wandered into the local library and was scouring the self-help section and found a book on loneliness entitled: “The Way Out of Loneliness” by Joan Gibson, an English lady who wrote a very short, 10-step guide for lonely individuals. I quickly looked to the back of the book to see how many individuals had signed out the book — I was stunned. There were at least five pages of “sign out” sheets at the back of the book and this book had been in the library’s circulation for about three years. To me, this spoke volumes: there are many lonely people in this world and this was proof-positive that people were looking for relief from their loneliness (including myself). This is something that has stuck with me and your recent jaunt into the bookstore jogged my memory banks.
Currently, I am reading the “Taboo” section of your book and I am enchanted with how you have encapsulated my emotional experience so vividly and so candidly. Obviously, the research you conducted was exceptionally well done — I can’t praise your work enough (am I gushing?).
Once again, I thank-you for writing this book. You have begun the process of demolishing the social stigma of loneliness by writing about your own experiences of loneliness and I admire you greatly for having the courage to do so publicly.
Best regards,
Kirsten
The checkout people at the Chapters that I frequent usually make positive comments or small talk about the books I buy. I think this is part of their customer service strategy. You’re likely right that she deliberately avoided the title; however, I disagree that the reason was that she was unnerved or discomforted. I think she was simply, and probably genuinely (the cover is pretty damn impressive imho), saying something positive about the book.
Aw, now see, that was a perfect opportunity to come at the clerk sideways about being the author. Rather than just coming out and saying, “I wrote it,” just start talking about the comparison between the respective covers of the Canadian and U.S. editions, without any other context. Eventually it would click and then, haha!, laughs all around. (possibly followed by an uncomfortable silence) It’s an easier entrance to subsequently having a real conversation, one that perhaps includes the suggestion for better shelf placement. Or maybe even on display! Hey, it could happen.
I didn’t have troubling finding your book in my local Borders. It was shelved with other memoirs and actually placed so the cover and not just the spine was showing. I also had nothing like your run in with the uncomfortable clerk.
I did however have an interesting experience when I sat down to read your book at the coffee shop inside the store. I caught several other patrons peering furtively at me from around their coffees and magazines. If I hadn’t been before, that experience alone would have definitely made me receptive to your discussion about the stigma of loneliness.
When I bought the book, I am ashamed to say, I placed it on the counter for the clerk cover-side down. I also remember trying to seem more chipper and sunny while paying, in case the cashier did see the cover and tried to make some kind of connection. Further, I had walked past the bookcase where it was displayed a couple times, before finally, discreetly, plucking it off the shelf. (Just so you know, I also purchased Lonely at a big Canadian Chapters, and it was displayed in the ‘Books with Buzz’ section, right near the front of the store!
)
Anyway, I hope that I wouldn’t behave the same way today. Your book was eye-opening to me, and has prompted much self-discovery. (I have the pages covered in little orange post-it sticky’s, marking the spot where I had an ‘OMG! That’s me!’ moment…)
Thanks for writing!
I have read the first part of your book…..It hit home in many ways….
what I still don’t get is: why is it so damn hard to connect? I am also somewhat confused…..with work I connect well with people; on days off I want my solitude, but still feel lonely….is this nuts?
@ Bill: no, I don’t think it’s nuts. I think it’s completely ordinary to feel connected in some environments but not in others. I’m just glad you’ve got at least one place to “connect.”
Hi Emily-
I am dispossessing myself of my library as I am going on a latin american volunteer wanderjahr. When I first read a review of your book I requested a copy through my local regional library. I was amazed to see that I was 29th in line, although my request was fairly quick off the mark. As Kirsten says, this speaks volumes about the state of society.
I very liked your comments regarding biophilia. You see able to express what I think, and feel, with wit, compassion and eloquence.
thank you.
Emily White: You have encapsulated my life. You are wonderful. And I whole heartily agree with Bill’s remarks above.
@ Bob: Thank you!
Hi Emily
I’ve had your book for a few weeks on my night stand but have been afraid to pick it up in case I find a big finger pointing back at me inside. And lo and behold there it was today. But to be honest I’m relieved, there are others like me after all. I’m now only a few pages into it but I know already it’s me.
I smiled and nodded to myself when I read the book buying experiences. I got your book from the library and thank god for self check out. Face down of course in case other patrons do what I do and look at other borrowers books. I love it when I see self help books flying out the door, I’m not the only messed up person then. I have an eating disorder that’s more or less under control now but I find myself looking into peoples shopping carts and thinking “well at least I would never eat THAT!”
Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know as I was that I had to go on a waiting list at the library for your book and now it’s due back and I’ve only just started it. Can’t renew as there’s a line up of course. So you’ll be even more pleased to know that I will be purchasing your book. On line of course, saves all that pesky embarrassment. I have a feeling it’s a book that I need to have close by.
I’ve read just a few comments so far and I think it was Bill’s[?] that struck a chord. Functioning just fine at work,dare I say popular,but craving solitude and feeling lonely at the same time.
Thank you so much for your courage in writing this book.
There is no doubt in my mind that being lonely or not having any friends is very taboo! People think of us as losers, crazy, maybe having a character flaw of some sort. People will think we will be clingy or too needy. They feel we will be sitting at their door step when they come home everyday. Which is not true! I drive transit buses for a living. One day I was talking to this gentleman on bus about myself being introverted. I told him how I felt that being introverted may explain why I don’t have any friends. He was surprised that i had this problem. He seemed very nice about it. The following days and weeks after he would get on my bus and not say one word to me and sat all the way in the back! He totally ignored me! So it very difficult to open up to anyone about this!
My sense is thqt it is more socially acceptable to be depressed than lonely. Depression implies an illness (acute or chronic) that one cannot help acquiring, whereas loneliness is something lacking in oneself, social undesirability of one sort or another. Hmm, maybe that’s the way I see it, so I assume others do too. Feeling lonely makes me feel as if I come across as needy around others, which they sense somehow and give me a wide berth??
The other aspect for me is the lack of roots; not having any extended family in the area where I live, no sense of continuity or belonging. I’m currently living and working even farther away from “home” than usual, in a place where everyone is related to each other – even though there are family feuds going on, everyone knows they belong here and there is so much visiting back and forth no-one has time to be lonely.
Going inside, meditating, getting right into that feeling as deeply as I can is a help. When you feel it as deeply as you can, it burns the feeling away more quickly and there is a gift underneath. Like self-love…or knowing I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.