What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?
I’ve been on vacation in Toronto for the past few weeks, and on the plane home, I was wondering why lonely people get such awful, awful advice. I mean, depressed people don’t get told to volunteer at soup kitchens, do they? Nor are they told to troll the Internet and meet up with strangers at cafes (which was the No. 1 piece of advice I was given).
I’m curious to hear what other lonely people have been given by way of advice. If the spirit moves you, send me a quick note, and share the single worst piece of advice you’ve been given. You can also let me know if you tried to follow that advice. I’ve done it all–from soup kitchens to online dating–and I’m curious to hear what others have been advised to do.
This entry was posted on Thursday, April 22nd, 2010 at 2:44 pm and is filed under the category Dealing with Loneliness, News.
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65 Responses to “What’s the worst advice you’ve ever been given?”
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Be open to making small talk with other shoppers while grocery shopping. That pretty much ends once they know which peanut butter that you prefer.
I love this! I think I was told to do something similar — like chat up people at the fruit market…
I’ve been given all kinds of advice; join online dating sites, attend sporting events (I hate sports), make small talk with people I don’t know (yeah that’s a great idea that will work out well), attend work parties, join a rock club (seriously, a rock club…polishing rocks), etc…..
The list goes on and on…..people just don’t get it!
I was once advised–by a psychologist–to pick out 10 people at work every morning and not only say hello, but begin conversations with them. Something with some “substance”–not just “nice weather, isn’t it?” I stopped seeing her that very week.
Trying to start conversations with 10 people a day sounds exhausting. I’m glad you stopped seeing that psychologist: very sensible.
I thought you meant a rock band. I kind of love the idea of a rock club (I’m a geek), but I can see that it has nothing to do with loneliness.
Shortly after my husband died July 31, 2008, of cancer, one friend told me to get a dog. I’ve always thought telling people to replace a dead pet with a new pet was poor advice, even though I’m not a pet person. Suggesting I replace a husband, a human, with a pet, was ridiculous. I don’t know that I’m lonely. I’m definitely isolated and in solitude, but am anxious about not having a support system as I age. I’m 60. My son and his family live several states away. I could move closer but like where I’m living now. I’m connected in my neighborhood and very connected with my church,and still work full-time, but it is very difficult for me to ask for help, such as driving to eye doctor appointment when I know I can’t drive because I can’t see when my eyes are dilated.
The worse advice I took was joining an on line dating club. I joined for six months and diligently tried to find my soul mate but I met one person and made contact with him. The next day I received an e-mail from the dating company telling me they have taken him off the line and not to contact him because he “was a problem”. Single dances – twenty woman for every one man – lucky man – desparation was palpable.
Someone recently told me to join e-harmony.com, and after I answered the questions honestly, the response was that they had no matches for me. Imagine how that made me feel, and then multiply that by 100.
To keep collecting more and more rejections until I would somehow be desensitised to it all – I wish I had that sort of mental toughness! Asking someone out on a date is the hardest thing for me as I take rejection about that so personally, whereas being rejected in a job interview I would find it a lot easier to rationalise away.
Honestly it’s been ‘just call people!’ or other advice like that. If I was good at spontaneously reaching out to people to make plans I’d do so… but it’s too easy to be socially isolated in the U.S. and so those of us who do have a difficult time being the one to initiate plans wind up feeling lonely a lot of the time.
Oh and ‘if you’d get off the internet, you could meet people’… which was just odd.
The worst advice I received was “just get over it, you’re too caught up in your own head” or some other comment similar to that.
I was told to go to a bar by myself and belly up. People will talk to you. I ended up talking to people (yes) …AND entirely too intoxicated for a Tuesday night. So then I was drunk AND lonely after the elderly female bartender dropped me off at home. Talk about a BAD idea! A little funny now…but defeating at the time.
I was told to make “real” friends. If I could make friends I would. If I didn’t feel that everything out of my mouth is offending the one I’m talking too or over analyzing everything I said. Talking to people/ making friends at 41 is really tough.
As you get older does the lonliness become tolerable or intolerable? I am finding going into my late fifties that my friends have started, dying, retiring, moving, extended grandchildren families. I am trying to reajust to these life changes and lessons but it is difficult. I definately feel more lonely and I try to keep in touch but I have accepted life has gone to another change.
I once joined an introvert discussion group after reading a book on the topic. I had thought that being a quietish person that perhaps I was being mistaken for not being social and thus wanted some hints on how to communicate yes I’m not loud but I am social and interested in being included in things. Thus I thought that people who considered themselves introverts might have a similar issue and thus some advise on how to communicate and indicate my interest in being social and connecting.
I was advised by another group member that I apparently “hadn’t come to terms with my introversion and needed to” and also advised that I “sounded an anxious person”. I realised that I probably wasn’t a true introvert as I did want to be social whilst some did not.
I’ve struggled with depression my whole life, and after the stress of my divorce, and raising two small children alone, I was really in the pit. I had started with the born again religion, and was overworking in church. I was in church some weeks 7 days a week! Still I felt all alone. So I went to the pastor a few times, complaining about my depression and how lonely I was, and I wasn’t invited out because I was divorced. The last time, he and his wife ganged up on me, and said I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and go out and help the elderly or something! The moron didn’t even realize how much time I spent working for him and his church! I never talked to him again. I was totally disillusioned. I don’t think people want to deal with the pain of loneliness. It takes alot of time and energy to start a relationship, and loneliness tends to give impressions of needyness. You’re too needy. I don’t want to appear like that.
A colleague at university suggested that “the whole problem” of my introversion is in the way I handle myself in conversation. The trick, she suggested, was always to remain silent and let other people decide whether they wanted to talk to me. Since I am posting on this website, you might imagine how that has worked out.
All the advice I’ve ever been given (mostly the stuff above and thankfully NEVER from my therapist) has seemed to miss the point: that loneliness is a deeper condition that simply interacting with people. I am very good at chatting up people. I always end up feeling lonelier afterwards, when they leave and I’m left alone.
I was advised that I should recognize all the people around me who care about me. (spouse, parents, children).
Anotherwords telling me I have no excuse/reason to feel lonely. That just made me feel worse!
I was told that my social anxiety could be reduced if I learned social skills such as walking in the room with confident body language, learning how to look people in the eyes, and learning how to chat back and forth; I was to learn these things by practicing them then telling my counselor how it went. I thought I had ‘social anxiety’, and my counselor tried to get me to take medication for anxiety- she was convinced I was simply anxious. The meds did nothing for me. It was fun to look people in the eyes for a week but I ended up believing that all I had to do was increase my skills and then my problem would be fixed. I had no idea that we were going about it with the wrong premise!
I am a closet lonely person- the kid who sat by herself when she was in preschool and wondered why the other kids never came to play with her (true anecdote). I am a closet lonely person because I don’t think anyone would ever suspect the depth to which I feel disconnected from people and how desperately I want to make at least one new friend I could call or see on a regular basis. The only people who gravitate to me are other lonely people and that never works out. I am a closet lonely because I am easy to talk to, I am a teacher (so I interact with others constantly), very chatty (I start up conversations everywhere), but never can take it beyond that even when I reach out to others. I am sick of the advice that I need to make more friends because I just can’t on a deep level- I don’t know how.
i interact with people on a day to day basis with what people call incredible positive energy and then i am alone and its all bullshit i feel so alone and unlovable that sometimes i cannot breathe when i have friends it seems that they are only friends when i call, if i don’t its like i vanished. i recently (2 yrs ago) was fired from a job where i managed 150 people and was very active and thought i had lots of friends when i left the job my phone did not ring for about 2 months, everyone that i thought i have gotten close to only respond when i do the reaching out, i want someone to want to be with me without me making the first move that is part of my loneliness, having to do all the work, people assume i am strong and together and that nothing bothers me but of course it really does and when people look at me crazy like “what are you talking about you are so strong and friendly that everyone loves you” but if they love me why do they go away, why do they not want me until or unless i want them first? Getting out, volunteering, going to church just makes me feel more needy and lonely cause i don’t want to go to church, i have not found what i want to volunteer for, i do not know where i want to go but i know that i do not want to go alone, i would like for someone to want to be in my life for more time than i want them in my life. i know that makes me sound crazy and lonely…..the moment i read the article about the book in People i started weeping, sucked it up, went home to my husband and the family that had gathered to have a dinner and felt totally alone, wow does that sound nuts, i want someone to want me before i want them and without telling them i need them.
I totally understand what K, just above me, is saying!! That is the very same thing I am going through now!! I am incredibly frustrated; it’s as if all my work does not count. I have been reaching out to others and calling them and planning get togethers and movies and dinners. But they have not called me or invited me anywhere. It is always me who does everything. Also, I make plans and we exchange ideas back and forth, and then that’s it! I don’t hear back from them. They disappear. What’s wrong with me? I keep asking myself that question and I am so disappointed. I thought that once I reached out and invited people places that that’s all I would have to do. I wish I could talk to ‘K’ about this. I really really thought that all I had to do was reach out. Apparently, I am not the only one who is experiencing this phenomenon. Julie
I was told today, to stop being myself, This coming from my sister over chicken noodles in the foodcourt. Great thanks sis! haha. Also from my mother was to, change the way i talk, as my voice is a bit deep and agressive, only the voice not the words! Great confidence booster.
K and Julie I can relate to what you both say. I too prefer friendships that are two way in that the other person will also suggest things and initiate contact as well.
Julie I can certainly relate to the “we must get together” conversation where you discuss activities and so forth but the other person won’t commit to a time or date or activity. Very frustrating.
I’m also currently battling a serious illness which means lots of medical treatment and have found those who suggest “we meet up for coffee sometime” but refuse to commit to a date inspite of me clearly stating when I’m available (1 to 2 weekday afternoon plus nights and weekends) very upsetting. Also the ones that say they are “busy” and will get back to you when they are not so “busy” rather than being happy to make a date for a few weeks away.
It does seem to come down to the person that the friendship is the most important to is the one that puts in most of the effort. It’s also a vicious circle as if it’s hard to make new friends then one is reluctant to step back a little with the current friends that aren’t initiating.
SW it’s very unhelpful when people basically tell you you need to totally change your personality. Someone told me that I “came across as shy”. Because I’m more introverted although I do really make the effort to continue chatting to people, win them over, show an interest in their important things and so forth as I’m aware that I’m not my natural self when I first meet someone, I need to meet a few times I am probably going to come across as “shy”. That’s something that is hard for me to change (believe you me I have tried extensively). So a comment like that is also very unhelpful. Whilst suggestions of types of situations I come across well in would have been far more helpful.
There are things that one can work to change, for example, changing the content of one’s conversation to talk about a wide variety of positive things rather than a narrow range. But innate personality is something that is hard to change drastically, for example, going from a moderate introvert to an extreme extrovert. Thus it’s best to work out and accept one’s personality and the strengths of that, for example a quieter person can be calming, good listener etc, so that one can use and improve one’s strengths. And also where one operates best in.
the worst advice i have ever gotten/ seem to continually get is that i am, in fact, not alone or lonely because i have so many wonderful friends/ successful carreer/ many accomplishments!
p.s. when i read emily’s book it was like reading my own brain
I got tired of always being the one to initiate contact with one particular friend. I decided to wait awhile to give her a chance to be the one to contact me for a change. It’s been 3 weeks, and I still haven’t heard from her. Whenever I email her, she always replies and seems to be glad to hear from me. It’s not easy being the one doing all of the work to maintain a friendship.
Yes Jill it’s a balancing game as I too like people to initiate contact with me as well. So I allow plenty of space to allow that to happen, for example, delaying contact for a couple of months with someone who rarely makes contact. But then the other part of the balancing act is leave it too long and the friendship will die due to lack of contact.
I’m not so concerned if I’m the one mainly doing the initiating of contact but getting a response and it’s easy to make an arrangement to meet up with that person. But if it’s combined with the other person not commiting to an arrangement I just let it go after a couple of attempts but leave the door open by saying something like “I can see you are pretty busy at the moment but when you do want to meet up get in contact to let me know and we can make an arrangment”.
But my difficulty lies in trying to break into busy people’s lives who often don’t want to admit new friends into their life in my quest to broaden my social circle. Having attended counselling to see what I was doing wrong the psychologist screened for many things but couldn’t find much that I was doing wrong (to my great disapointment)
I received two strands of advice woven into a rejection letter turning down a personal essay/review hybrid that talked about my loneliness in the context of another piece of work. First, loneliness isn’t real, it’s a construct of our “feel good all the time” national sickness (which I guess amounts to, “Suck it up, rub some dirt on it and get back on the field!”). Second, read more great literature, which both infuriated me and made me laugh. I could not possibly read more than I do now; I’m like a garbage disposal for words, albeit one being jammed with caviar and icy blood orange slices…and I can’t help but notice that there’s nobody else around when I’m reading…
I changed my life by going to University as a mature student, and have consequently moved around a lot in the last few years.I’ve also had 4 years of counselling to help sort myself out.The result is most of my previous network of friends have dropped off,one by one, in painful procession, and I now feel too devastated, confused and untrusting to find the energy to try and make new ones.I have tried, where I’ve now lived for a while, but like DJ, and Julie, find it’s always me making the calls. I decided a few weeks ago to stop, and the phone has hardly rung once.
I’ve suffered depression on and off all my life, and hopefully understand it now, but admitting to loneliness has to be just as hard, if not worse.
I’ve also found that, as a single woman, other women seem to view you as a threat. A female neighbour glares at me if her husband speaks to me in passing.I’ve also had valued friends’ husbands unwanted flirting with me, after a few drinks – I don’t get asked to theirs any more, and I’ve given up phoning them. I don’t want their,or anyone else’s husband.This would all be understandable or bearable if I was inundated with male interest, but since I’ve got older that doesn’t happen any more.
Suggestions involve all Emily and people above have mentioned, the worse one for me has been going on an internet dating site for a few months, where not one man contacted me. I ended up writing to a few,when I was feeling optimistic, and most never even bothered to reply.
The biggest struggle is to not take it personally, when all arrows point to it being personal. I’ve got good at being on my own, and do things that don’t require a companion.I like my own company now, and don’t want to go out for the sake of it. But sometimes the loneliness comes crashing in – just seeing groups of people having fun can pain me so deeply I have to rush home.
I think I’d rather live in the middle of nowhere, as I did for a while, than live in a town, as at least there’s an excuse for why you never see anyone.
The worst advice I’ve been given is from my friends to move closer to them and to visit them or to call them any time. Like others I too feel invisible, that my efforts get taken for granted, that I have to do something, that I can willingly change something to not feel lonely. If it were that simple I would have stopped being lonely at age 5.
Chrissy you make a good point re single women being seen as a threat. More broadly many people seem to only want to connect with people who are exactly the same as them, for example, only other families with children. For me I love my single women friends, there’s no partner nor children for them to have to accommodate and fit around or who may not have much in common with a friend of their’s and thus apply pressure to drop that friend and there’s really only 2 people that need to connect not 4, thus it’s much easier to come to a firm arrangement even if they have an incredibly busy life.
Now that I’ve finished Emily’s book I can see that this is a social rather than purely personal problem. I’ve noticed that some of the people Emily mentioned in their book had undertaken counselling to see if they were doing anything wrong and most tended to be friendly, positive, interesting, easy to make arrangements with type of people. It’s a symptom of a non inclusive society where people have stopped speaking or connecting with their neighbours and locals let alone including them.
Maybe what we all want are just one or two meaningfull friendships. I get the impression that these “friendships” that alot of people seem to have are just acquaintances. Perhaps they’re happy with those types of realtionships. I would rather be alone than have dozens of shallow “friends”. But here we are, all on this site, all wanting real, meaningfull friendships. Perhaps we should start a Facebook page, or some other kind of web social site?
Erin – I forgot to list the unhelpful advice you mention! I was urged constantly by someone I thought was a close friend to move near to her- I eventually did, after a lot of soul searching, and guess what – suddenly she was not so available. Why this happened I still don’t know, but I was stuck in a place where I knew nobody else. I felt like I’d hit a brick wall running. This is when I began to have counselling, to find out how I’d got myself into this situation.Counselling has helped enormously, but it makes you look closely at your relationships, and recognise unhealthy ones.Hence the friends drop -off – the new aware me didn’t enhance all my friendships.
I’m still here – without the first so -called friend of course, and a lot wiser, but I agree with Emily – you can carry your loneliness with you, and it can make you vulnerable. I try and keep myself safe, but in order to grow/move on etc you sometimes need to take chances, and put yourself out there, which can be an impossible task most of the time, but getting the courage up to do it, and then have a pile – up of rejections, is tough.
@ DJ and Chrissy:
regarding being a single woman and:
It’s a symptom of a non inclusive society where people have stopped speaking or connecting with their neighbours and locals let alone including them.
i have given this a lot of thought, being a single and lonely 36 year old woman whose four closest friends are married and all had a baby within last year.
DJ, you are correct. people tend to hang out with others just like them, be they couples, singles, single parents, jack russell terrier fanatics…. etc.
but i do think that historically there was probably actually less social support for the single 36 year old woman…. i think if i was around two hundred years ago, i would have been branded a witch or spinster, or gone off to be a hermit in the woods. either that or i would have gotten married and produced multiple offspring and never existed as as single person.
that still doesn’t make it any easier when i realize i am living a life that is not considered exactly successful by our society (despite being quite successful professionally)….
K and OwlJulie above hit it on the head. For years – I actually cannot remember being any other way – I have wanted to have friends who wanted to be with me to. As K described, I would make friends, a lot of them, and was “well liked” as long as I called them or had something they wanted. Growing up an only child and going through school set into place a pattern that carried through my military career and into my present career. Married and with four daughters (second marriage) one would think that I would not be “lonely”, but even in the midst of family, I feel isolated and an outsider.
Two years ago I met a woman who actually wanted to be with me, was concerned about me, etc. I fell into a relationship with her – I had an affair. It lasted a year. For the first time I could ever remember I had no feeling of loneliness. What I was looking for existed in the face of me thinking it never really would or could. One year ago, July 29, my wife found out. I was not really upset that she did as I and the other woman had talked long and hard about marriage – we had even begun house shopping. When I called the other woman to tell her that our life would begin, she “dropped me like a hot potato”, would not return my calls. Since we worked together I approached her at work and she reported me as sexually harassing her. Both she and I lost our jobs. Friends I thought I had at work disappeared – and never reappeared.
My wife and I are doing the right things to stay together, but from the start of this ordeal, the oppressive loneliness is something that I have talked about. It drove me to suicidal ruminations. My therapist and psychiatrist both chalked it up to “depression” but I never felt it was. Finding this book and the idea of chronic loneliness has been a window opening up for me. I can now name it and begin to understand it.
People who do not have this do not understand that it is not as simple as “go out and meet people”. This feeds upon itself and grows. It is always with me, always keeping me from people that I want to be with. I told my therapist once in response to her telling me to go out to Borders and just enjoy coffee around others that that was no solution. That was akin to telling a starving man to go watch steaks grilling but know you will never have one.
SolitaryWalker I’m with you. The comment “go out and meet people” is in my opinion one of the worst piece of advise anyone can give. Somehow it’s the magic bullet. It goes much deeper than that. I agree that it is something that is a factor and we need to do. But in it self it won’t work.
I’m 43. When my husband died suddenly 4 years ago people were oh-so full of advice and most of it was utter rubbish. I was told over and over that I would need to reach out. The responsibility was mine, in my broken state during which my own survival was still iffy, to do all the work. Ok, so that’s unfair, but I did reach out. I got over my privacy and independent traits and reached out, asked specifically for help for specific issues. I sought people out when I was feeling lonely, I sought people out to show them I was not in a fab state but still me, I sought people out to figure out why everything electrical I owned was failing. And what happened? A mass of nothing. No one helped. No one fronted up and made my lawnmower work or explained the boiler or met me for a coffee or a drink or had me over for dinner so I wouldn’t starve. I reached – into an abyss apparently.
I live 3,000 miles from family. My friends and husband’s family all vanished into thin air either from neglect or something worse after he died. I eventually got a job primarily to be around humans and not one single social thing has come of it. I’m not from here and because I’m from elsewhere I’m generally considered to be uppity, to think I’m special. People here stick to their own and I’m definitely not their own.
I have one friend, who came out of nowhere and lent me a hand. He swept me up and helped and brought me into his family and for a while there I had some place to be. They saved me, but I did a lot for them too. I always felt like their rescue dog or maybe a foster child. But the daughter got awfully jealous. We’re about the same age, but she’s got a bad case of only child syndrome. (Not all only children have this, by any means, but when they do, it’s awful.) She saw to it I was uninvited from their family unit. I never wanted to intrude and I never considered myself family – just a little add-on. But she ruined it with her greed. I still have him as my best friend, but it’s rationed, controlled by her. In one awful moment (on Christmas day no less) I was punted out of my replacement family. I could have stayed if I’d sucked up and pandered to her, but oh no way. I knew leaving that day to spend the rest of Xmas alone (and very ill) would be bad and the start of what I call the empty canyon of extreme loneliness – something I’d tasted right after my husband died and knew to fear – but I would rather be alone than be with people under those circumstances.
So now I’m moving back to my old home. I’m hoping having at least my siblings and their extended families around will provide some sort of life. I think people are friendlier there, more willing to open up. When I first moved here, I was sounding off about why my husband’s young (my age) sister-in-law wasn’t sort of adopting me, showing me the shops, befriending me and he said, “She already has friends.” and it blew my mind. It still does. I mean….WHAT?! I don’t think people think that way back home. But maybe it’s just me. Maybe I put out some awful vibe that people don’t like. I don’t think I put out my true and deep self for some reason. I don’t mean to be hidden, but I do know it takes some doing to get to the really good bits inside.
I read an article about this blog in a magazine…maybe Elle?…and heard a ding-dong in my head as I realised I AM too embarrassed to say ‘lonely’ to anyone other than my best friend. It screams ‘no one likes me, no one wants to be my friend’. But I really do think it’s necessary to start outing it, if only to wake people from their stupor, to make them realise that while they’re living their lives, people around them are suffering and it’s so fixable.
Sera, your story is so familiar. You think you have real friends and they only turn out to be fair weather friends. When you need them, you suddenly become the pariah and they avoid you. It is hard when it happens once, but to have it happen over and over again, you become jaded and turned off by the idea of getting close to people. But then the pain of being without people, of thinking (“knowing”) there is something wrong with you (otherwise, why would people avoid you), of seeing others having fun and being in crowds (welcomed and wanted) gets to be too much.
Early in my therapy sessions after my affair was discovered, I mentioned to my therapist that most missed all of the friends I had had at work everyday. She corrected me that work is not for socializing, but for work alone and that misunderstanding on my part had caused me some of my problems. I have pondered this quite a bit in the past year without any resolution beyond “it must be my screwed up way of seeing the world” as an answer. When I discovered/uncovered my loneliness, my seeing work as a social event filled with interacting with people made sense. I had always seen my work day as life and being at home as the “interruption” of my real life. At work, I wasn’t lonely (at least I didn’t feel it as strongly) and I had “friends”. The reality of that the “friends” I thought were taking away my loneliness were actually exacerbating it hit me hard after I left my job.
I don’t have advice for you. I wish I did. I wish I had a way to take all of this pain away from all of us that feel loneliness. Instead I can say that you are not unique or “weird” or “different”. You simply want more from life than what others seem to find to be enough.
“Go to the beach.”
Go to the beach. I ask you….
That just made lyrics pop up into my head. The Who, Quadrophenia. “The beach is a place where a man can feel he’s the only soul in the world that’s real.”
Fabulous for loneliness!
I was wondering how many times I’ve been told that the solution to loneliness, in fact the solution to grief itself, is to ‘get out there’. That’s specific, eh? Could someone tell me where that is, please, because I need to get there. Apparently.
I am so glad that I accidentally tuned into CBC and heard your interview on your book Lonely. I have always been told that I am depressed and I know that I am not. So that has been a problem. I have been given so much bad advice. Much of this advice is the same as others have posted and more. Much of the advice is more like criticism rather that actual advice. I know all my friends are doing their best to make me feel better and because almost all have partners it is very very difficult for them to understand. So as you spoke of in your interview on CBC the term “needy” has been a real problem. It is like a bad odor that people run from. some other comment go like this ” you are just too picky” “maybe by the time you are 60 you will not be so picky” ” just do not try so hard, it will come” “do not worry there is someone out there for everyone” ” people are scared away by you because you are too capable” ” try to look less capable” “you expect too much” of course I get the try the online dating daily and everytime I have tried it has been a nightmare for all the same reason you spoke of in your interview. Anyway I am so glad you wrote the book and I will go out and get a copy and read it. This topic is of great interest. I am so very very lonely and just do not know what to do about it.
I am just amazed and very very grateful for these comments and Emily’s book. As I read I experienced so much of what you are experiencing. For one thing…I am in my early 40′s and really do enjoy getting people together in fun and interesting ways, even though I am naturally introverted. I really enjoy people and learning and sharing with them. But I have found I am almost always the one doing the work, the inviting, the asking and if I don’t…well, many don’t bother to even say “hi” and I won’t see them. And that hurts me because I wonder why I am not worth it. I know I shouldn’t take it personal. Some people are just not as giving or emotionally gracious but it still hurts.
I’ve also come across the person, who when they see you, they are all eager and act as if they are your friend but they never pick up the phone. One woman in particular, I saw when out with my boyfriend, said “I’ve known her for years” as if we are friends when she never reciprocates and I have not had a good conversation with her in years!
I had a nice male neighbor who was fun to talk to then one day he was extremely cold to me. I figured it was the wife. I certainly don’t want to make anyone feel bad but the intense coldness was just so hurtful and unnecessary.
I had a relative who I emailed with a lot. We had a lot in common on many things and were both excellent emailers and it was a lot of fun. I was willing to “care” for her…she is older than and I alone…who would not want a relative to care about them? Well, the day I opened up and told her about a personality issue I had (mild) I no longer heard from her. Not even a holiday card. And I am a nice, fun, supportive person…and was being all these things with her and she just dumped me like that.
I also remember a long time ago being left out of some events because I was single.
The list goes on.
I am looking for what one of you said…someone who cares about knowing/befriending me as much as I care about knowing/befriending them. It would be nice to feel like I mattered and to find someone who is as loving/warm to me as I am to them.
Christina, You said a couple of things that resonated with me. The first is this neighbour suddenly getting cold. When my husband died, a lot of friends vanished and one of my closest was a guy with a partner. This guy and I were friends, and as couples we had all been friends, but the notion that he and I would ever fancy each other etc was just sooooooo non-existent. My friend, but I’d kill him before I kissed him. He’d drive me mad within seconds. I never even THOUGHT that way. But we were the same age and his partner is significantly older than he is and I think she decided a single me was a threat. I mean, at that point I could barely breathe, the grief was so hideous, but she dug her claws into him to prevent him from being of any comfort to me. I think a lot of women feel that way towards single women, maybe especially widows who are, if not needy, than ‘in need’ (as needy is such a swear word). Damsels in distress and all that. I wouldn’t have wanted her man, or anyone else’s, if he’d been covered in chocolate and jewellery!
The other thing is looking for someone who is as giving as you are. That’s exactly what I would like, exactly. Frankly, in most of the relationships I’ve had, I’ve done 99% of the work, the caring, the loving but since my husband’s death and the therapy I had to recover from it, I have changed. I’m not willing to de-value myself and do everything any more. I want equality, a partnership, I want someone to love me and fancy me and be interested in what I’m going to say and it’s be seriously nice if they went head over heels for me first. And the same applies for friendship too – I don’t mind reaching out and putting in an effort, but it is hard to not take it personally and feel like a twit when no one seems to want to do the same for me. It’s like being a kid on the playground and asking someone “Do you want to be friends?” (which is all it takes when you’re a kid) and kid after kid saying “No.”
There is comfort in knowing there are loads of other people experiencing the same thing, though. Maybe we should have our own coloured ribbon we could wear to identify other lonely people. When we saw the ribbon, we’d know at least that person will be friendly. LOL!
I’ve enjoyed reading the comments here a lot, but one common complaint/observation is something I don’t really understand. I’m one of those people who almost never calls his friends. I’m happy to do activities, even if they’re as simple as going out for coffee, but I don’t crave those things enough to organize them myself. Usually the reason I call people is that I want to use them as an excuse to get out of my house. I recognize in a clinical way that it’s probably healthy for me to socialize, so now and then I do phone people to suggest meeting up, but I’m not very picky about who I call. The most I seem to get from going out somewhere is a change of scenery: new experiences to think about later, at best.
The comments that say `I’m warm, friendly, etc… but my friends don’t put effort into maintaining relationships with me’ make me shudder a bit, frankly. The people I like spending time with most are people who act like I’m barely there. They just go about their business and let me blend into the background. I’m lucky enough to know one couple well enough for that to happen. If I’m at there house and they feel hungry, they ask me whether I want anything, and if I say “No” then they take that at face value and just cook for themselves. When I do crave human company, it’s usually theirs.
i was always the type to desire one good friend rather than a group of friends. i’m in my 50′s,one of my cousins has been the only male friend that i’d been hanging around with for the last 25 years /we are like peas in a pod,same identical interests in movies and music and spiritual beliefs / we became fixed on 80′s music and music videos(mtv type)and the movies of that era also(as opposed to 70′s as most others our age) and we both are disabled via chronic anxieties and a sleep disorder(acute insomnia).we used to hang out all night and sleep days.we were so close that many times people had percieved us as being gay,but we’re both hetro..just great close friends..anyway,,since he’s moved off..i am completely alone.,this isn’t easy at all/.it’s hard to find someone with identical ineterests and personality as his.i don’t believe i could enjoy hanging with someone that doesn’t possess the same intersts and much of the same kind of personality he has/.
the worst advice i was given was to find meetups in my area(others with chronic anxieties,sleep disorders).didn’t work..met plenty of people who couldn’t sleep like me but none even came near to having anything else in common with me.a waste of time
From my mother, “We like you better when you’re happy…”
(Ouch, that one still stings years later, and I wonder… was it simply a badly articulated gesture of support)
I have a friend whom I cherish dearly, but she keeps rationalizing that essentially I’m the one who isn’t interacting with the world around me (i.e. starting conversations with people in class, joining after- school activities, etc). The advice she keeps giving me is to be open- minded and see where life takes me… yeah, it took me here, or dumped me rather, at Loneliness Depot. But fairly speaking she is right, I do avoid social situations, but I do so because those are people with whom I can’t make a deeper connection with. And from what I can see from other comments, perhaps we want to connect with people in a way that provides us with intimacy, security, encouragement, and stability. That’s what I think.
Another person told me to pray about it.
Someone else told me to get over it (as in, don’t let it have power over you, mind over matter, that sort of thing.)
Though I saw someone write a comment somewhere that we Lonely Ones should hang out on Fridays! That would be kind of nice..
So, so, so many of these comments resonate with me. I have been blessed with education, intelligence, good looks, creativity, talent, and sense of humor. I can chat easily when in a social setting, and I am also a good listener and known for having a calming effect on people. I volunteer when I can, and I manage a lot of people and projects at my job. BUT despite all of this, now and my entire life, I have felt like I’m part of the “loneliest people on the planet” club. Even when I was in a very long-term relationship (12 years) I was alone much of the time or felt lonely or misunderstood even in his company. And that loneliness has intensified since being out of that relationship as well. I find dating nearly impossible. (Often it has ended up with me making another random male friend versus a new love.) I live on my own and far away from my family, so I have no one close to me. I do have some friends in the city where I live, but they are scattered/random and not part of one cohesive group. Also, although I consider them close friends, and they are nice/decent people, I would not have chosen most of them as friends if someone waved a wand and said I could choose from this person or that person. For some reason, I just don’t feel the synergy I’d hoped for. Bottom line is that aside from being part of a large family, I never quite felt like I fit in 100% with that pack or any other pack I’ve been part of. I always feel like I’m a bit of an imposter, just slightly on the fringe or have only one foot in and one foot out. A lifetime of this has left me kind of exhausted. I recently moved to a new neighborhood, and although I was excited at the prospect of meeting new people with new interests, I am now realizing that the likelihood of it happening or being much different than other attempts is slim. As one person mentioned in the previous comments, the older you get, the harder it is. People are just set in their ways, I guess.
Apologies. I just posted, but didn’t realize the question for this discussion was actually what is the worst advice you’d be given. Worst advice was probably “try reinventing yourself.” Been there, done that (several times over). That advice has only given me an identity crisis!
The worst advice? Many! First, join something! – does not matter what, does not matter whether you like it or not, does not matter if it’s against your grain/principle/integrity/etc, just grit your teeth, join and make friends. Second, on-line dating. What a waste of time that was! I’m in my 50-ties and the only men who responded were either 20 yrs older than me (looking for a nurse, I guess), 4’9” tall, 20-ty something from exotic countries wanting sponsorship to Canada, or interested in a kinky sex! So, that was the end of that. Volunteer! No, thank you – teams joined at hips are not for me. Do some sports. HATE SPORTS! But, being an open-minded person, I’ve tried golf and swimming. Both failures – golf because I have no partners to go golfing with, so it ended when the lessons ended. Swimming – I got a nasty rash from the dirty pool water, and was asked to stop by my dermatologist Book Club. Yeah! That sounded interesting until I learned that most of them read romances, harlequins, vampire/zombie-books, recommended-by-Oprah-books, and such – totally outside my orbit of interest (non-fiction). Besides, I’m not willing to read on cue!
I have been lonely all my life. I have been living in England for nearly six years and there is nobody I can call and confide in (inside or outside this country). The WE are lonely and there are no phone calls except for work-related issues. The more potentially embarrassing is when I am requested to cite a next of kin … there isn’t any … and I have to invent …
As a consequence, I have learned to live in my head. I do understand that I am likely to die sooner of cancer, alzheimer etc … but I feel there isn’t any help available really!
Thanks to all of you who have posted, I read all the comments and found a piece I could relate to in every one. I especially resonated with AnonR.
I think people would be surprised if I told anyone I was lonely, I am very social and talkative in a crowd, and don’t consider myself socially awkward at all – but deep relationships have been hard to build as an adult. I’m not shy and absolutely love being around other people for the arts, intellectual pursuits, silly fun, education or parites. Whether it’s moving geographically many times, or working in small offices, or having gone to therapy — I simply haven’t been surrounded by meaningful friendships like I was when I was younger in school and I have no idea why. I have tried repeatedly to remedy my UN-social life by many of the things listed above and ended up with similar results as all of you.
I prefer to interact with people from a kind, compassionate viewpoint, finding value in each person where they are currently, but find that many people still seem to be trapped in junior high playground complexes even as adults. I prefer activities to be welcoming and inclusive, not clique-y and competitive. And since I am not a religious person, I don’t want to seek out social activities at churches. I am tired of superficial, acquaintance level relationships like those offered on facebook.
My husband doesn’t really understand how much pain it causes me, and though our relationship is a great comfort, I want other friends too. My family is not part of the picture due to emotional abuse. I feel the stigma and shame you all have mentioned and would never tell anyone I was lonely, especially not a potential new friend, or really even my old ones, because it seems to scream “failure, boring, loser”.
After reading about the idea of a “jealousy map” and how you can use your own to point to what you want most deeply, seeing other people surrounded by big loving families or several close friends is just more than I can bear sometimes. And I have no idea how to travel to that very foreign country of being connected.
I do wonder about the “too busy” excuse!!!
The counselor I had 3 years ago once asked me to go to dinner with her and her group of friends. She wanted to ‘study’ my social skills and lack thereof. She was convinced that my social anxiety could be cured through simply pointing out what I do ‘wrong’ and telling me what to do.
Of course, I refused, because I thought I had no chance of showing my social skills in a group of strangers, and under such pressure!
Julie~ I can understand your trepidation totally but if a counselor said that to me, I’d jump on it. Where else can you get honest advice compassionately delivered? I would LOVE to know if or what I am doing wrong or what vibe I am giving out or whatever. I have a clue but no one has ever told me anything helpful. Honest appraisel would be helpful. But I do understand, it might be too much to bear.
All of these posts seem to be written by sensitive, articulte people. There is no obvious reason why we suffer this. It’s a phenomenon.
A friend of mine told me to wear more expensive makeup, that it would make me more confident and I would meet a lovely man. RAAAAR this makes me so cross. I dont suffer with lack of confidence (well not primarily), I suffer lonliness.
I dont get it. I’ve live alone, spend christmas alone each year and pretty much work alone. I wonder if there is something massivley wrong with me and I just don know what it is. I’m 29, hardworking, fun, socialy aware and pretty enough without posh make up.
Maybe it’s learned from a lonely only child upbringing with distant parents – I dont think I really learned how to be with anyone.
Julie – I hope you left that counsellor ! A proper qualified counsellor never gives advice. You are supposed to have your own realisations, through a long and supportive process. To suggest to a ‘vulnerable’ client that she should sit in a room with all this woman’s friends who will then point out where she goes wrong is appalling, and doesn’t sound very ‘cherishing’ to me.Who are they to be judging you, even if they are counsellors? And the implication that all you need to do is tweak your social skills and you won’t be lonely is just mad.
We can all talk, and socialize, and all the posts written here are well communicated and deeply felt, written honestly. I imagine there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with anybody who is prepared to bare their souls on this site – it’s not an easy thing to do, and takes guts.
After my last post here, I gave up trying to fit in with people who weren’t reciprocating, and have gone my own way. I pulled myself out of the depression all that had left me with by taking anti-depressants. I’ve found that as I became happier, and less ‘needy’ ie- wanting to be friends with someone- and started working on just ‘being’, and enjoying the day, my life has improved. And if someone else wants to share my day – great, if not, I just don’t want to waste my life struggling with it.
I can also recommend the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle which has helped enormously.
How are all you others doing out there ?
Re: Yoga Gurl– I found out that my problem was not that I didn’t know how to be social, rather it was that I was not confidant. No matter how much you tell an underconfidant person HOW to be social, it won’t happen. Here I am a few years later, and I find that whatever I can do to raise my confidence IS my therapy, and allows me to be social, sort of having a circular effect.
She could have told me all she wanted that I needed to ‘practice’ eye contact with strangers- and yes, it did help, somewhat, for a few days- but then it was lost… because it wasn’t the skills that I lacked, it was the confidence, all along. Like, I know I ‘can’ pick up the phone and call someone, but- do I have the confidence to do it? That is the question.
BTW- She was not the most supportive counselor- she was always focused on what needed to be fixed- not on what I had achieved. I just didn’t feel safe in her hands. I knew she would pick at what I did wrong- she was not the most sensitive of counselors. (She was very young- still in college.)
RE: Chrissy—“… the implication that all you need to do is tweak your social skills and you won’t be lonely is just mad.” That’s the one thing my counselor didn’t seem to understand. She never wanted to go in depth with the reasons why I felt anxiety; she was convinced I hadn’t learned how to be social, because of my upbringing.
PS: I also can recommend the Power of Now by Tolle.
Hi Julie and Everyone. I am sorry my post caused so much trepidation. I did not mean it to be so.
I totally respect all your views and feelings. If you feel that what this counselor suggested was wrong headed or ineffective, I respect that.
I want to make clear I know that loneliness is not necessarily caused by lack of social skills and I didn’t think Julie lacked any personally herself. I just thought observing how one is coming across might be helpful. Not necessarily because of a lack of social skills but it could be something else. When I thought of myself in this scenario, I was thinking what might have come across was not feeling at ease, or trying too hard, or something else I was giving off. This does not make the person “wrong” necessarily at all, it just may provide information as to what is going on to help understand the dynamics in any given social situation. I really do like the idea of practical based therapy…as I think it is the most effective. I’ve read a lot of self-help books on relationships…to me, the ones that offer practical, real-world advice have been the most helpful. Yes, sometimes they are hard to read because they tell the truth but I feel the truth sets us free. This seemed like a very practical idea where you might get concrete information as to why things are the way they are.
I thought about if I had this opportunity. Having been the “outsider” with my siblings and not knowing why, I would absolutely love it if I did know. If someone offered to “observe” what happens when I am with them (and believe me, there would be a lot to observe), with an objective and skilled eye to social dynamics, I would certainly say “yes” to understand more. If I understood more the dynamics of my family it would bring me more peace. I was just coming from this vantage point. Also, if I would say yes to having someone observe me in other social situations. I would love to know how I come across…everything! I think it could be really helpful. But I would only say “yes” if the I trusted the counselor and the counselor was coming from a place of wanting to help. If not, then, of course, I would not do it.
Having said all of this…sometimes, not all the time, social skills ARE often the problem. Sometimes the person knows it and sometimes they have no clue as to why they are turning others off. I’ve been on other lonely boards where the poster readily admits their social skills are holding them back from satisfying relationships. I did NOT think this was Julie’s case AT ALL…but social skills are often a cause of a lot of unsuccess in relationships. To me, if I was one of those persons, and I found a counselor who would help me find out what my problem is, with kindness and compassion, I think that would be a great opportunity! But again…I totally get that very often loneliness is a condition, it’s not due to social skills at all.
Again…I am sorry if my post offended at all. I just felt like offering a suggestion. I understand that this is very personal and if you feel this is an unwanted therapy, I respect that, of course. I was just thinking “wow, that sounds like it could be very helpful”. I had never heard of such a therapy or idea…I thought it was possibly a great opportunity to learn more.
Good day everyone!
Here’s a classic. Just get out more and do the things you like
to do and eventually you’ll meet someone. Needless to say
this advice has failed miserably. Oh yeah, it’s great fun going
out alone and watching couples laughing and enjoying them-selves. I like outdoor activities such as golf, hiking,kayaking,
and camping. Have yet to meet any single women doing the
same and if they are there they are NEVER single. I consider
myself to be very sociable and east to get along with.Another
good one is to just start a conversation with a woman and
see where it leads then get her phone #. Are you freakin’
kidding me? What decent woman is going to hand out her
number to a complete stranger? Tried a major dating site too.
I answered what seemed like 400 questions only to be told
that there are no matches. I don’t know folks but it seems
like for some of us our fate is to end up alone no matter how
hard we try. By the way,here’s another brilliant piece of advice
I got. Quit trying and someone will come into your life!!!!
Oh Sure!
The other day I saw the psychologist at the hospital. The reason was that after working and generally slogging it out through cancer with very little social support (we haven’t been able to replace our friends in the area since they moved out a few years ago), no family on my side and my partner’s family basically still expecting that he’ll continue to subsidise their lifestyle financially without any thought of our hard time, continuing to keep up the housework and so forth with no help. Thankfully I was able to work through cancer, met a few other cancer patients and had the support of a care nurse and simply meeting with her every couple of months to chat was keeping me positive. However a few months ago the care nurse pulled all support and is really uninvitating when I’ve needed to contact her about something so I reluctant to even though I need advice where and what type of lymphodema sleeve I need…. Plus quite a few other stressors in my life. So I’ve been feeling flat and not as enthusiastic even though I recently got the job of my dreams that I’d worked in before as a temp and this time got it permanently. So I want to feel happy and enjoy my job.
Anyhow my GP did blood tests, offered anti depressants pending the results of the blood test and as I was going to the hospital for a check up said I would see the psychologist and come back when my blood test results were done. Anyhow psychologist felt AD’s won’t help, had a couple of ideas but I was already doing everything I could and offered no options ie to come back, who else to see etc. I explained re lack of social support and difficulty meeting new friends and the advice was to join a club or activity (which I’ve done several times over the past few years). To say the least at the moment I feel sick at joining things “to meet people” and go through that trying to figure out whether the other person is interested in a friendship, just being polite, whether I”m initiating something too soon, should I persist and so forth. Although I’m happy to join things due to the activity.
Thankfully my GP sees sense so when I go back she has an option to trial.
Does it really help to tell someone who’s stressed and depressed to “join something to meet people”