Thinking about the health effects of loneliness
Some readers of this blog have written in to ask how they can respond to some of the health problems loneliness seems to trigger. I’ve been mulling this, and trying to think of a response that’s both reasonable and workable.
I don’t want people to think that loneliness is utterly dire, that it will immediately land you in hospital, and leave you instantly sick. This isn’t true. I talk about having my health and sleep go all wonky when I was extremely lonely, but–when I think back on those years–I realize I wasn’t taking very good care of myself.
I think that part of the response (when thinking about the health effects of loneliness) is to recognize that loneliness is capable of cuing changes. This is Step One. Step Two involves treating yourself kindly: eating as well as possible, getting as much sleep as possible, treating yourself to massages (touch!), and exercising every day (if this is possible for you).
In other words, I think loneliness has to make you more health conscious. If you’re lonely, you need to take care of yourself. “Self-care” is a phrase that bugs me–I want others to care for me!–but I think it’s an important part of responding to loneliness.
Another response involves writing. Keep a journal. Write down what’s happening to you. If you’re not into diary keeping, write songs, or sketch something, or listen to your favorite music. I think that loneliness can be profoundly non-creative: it shuts down communication. Communicating in your own way, privately, through a journal, or a piano, or a painting, can go some way towards off-setting the feelings of aloneness that can lead to health risks.
Send me your thoughts on this. I don’t want lonely people to think, “Well, there are health risks, so I might as well throw in the towel.” This isn’t true! Taking charge of your health, and finding some way of externalizing feelings of loneliness can, I think, be a route to better health.
I’m going to be blogging about this more in the future, as I continue to think.
This entry was posted on Monday, April 12th, 2010 at 8:26 pm and is filed under the category Dealing with Loneliness, Effects of Loneliness, Loneliness and Creativity.
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16 Responses to “Thinking about the health effects of loneliness”
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At first when i read about the health issues of loneliness i thought, “Well, I’m so lonely what difference does it make?” Then i realized that the last 5 years since i began living in an empty nest i have had nothing but digestive problems. serious and totally vague. I actually hate them and try endlessly to ‘fix’ them. Reading your book has validated the connection because i see how i just can’t ‘digest’ that i am so alone for the first time in so many years. I am so grateful for this. I don’t know if i will ever get it ‘fixed’ but i feel much more positive about it than i used to. Somehow it’s become a smaller problem. I am not defining myself by my digestive difficulties and that in itself is progress! Many thanks to you for writing this book.
Emily & everyone ….
If we were so concerned about the health risks of things then we wouldn’t leave the house, we wouldn’t have a microwave oven at home, no plasma television et al.
So maybe it’s best to just accept that there are “health risks” associated with certain things …….
Of the 10 top most stressful situations – one of them is divorce, one is pregnancy, one is sexual difficulties ……. and these are all related to being married/with a partner that many people assume is the cure for loneliness (which we know isn’t true, since married people can also be lonely) (Oh, the stats above is from an article in an Australian newspaper on the weekend ….. sorry but no link given to backup what I’ve said)
What I’m saying is that it isn’t a “clean slate” and you can’t say that NOT being lonely with give you perfect health etc.
Maybe what we should all be striving for is happiness – because if you’re happy then so many other things fall in place.
Is it possible to be lonely but happy? ie. is there some way to change our thinking so that we’re not noticing what we’re missing, but instead just making the most of what we have….. know what I mean??
io
This may sound strange, but there was a time when I moved to a new city a few years ago and didn’t know anyone and thought I would go insane – literarlly. While I was at work, I was fine because there was social interaction, but at night and on the weekends, I only had my lonely thoughts to keep me company. But then I got a DVR and started to record TV shows during the day that I would come home and watch in the evening. I can’t describe how much I benefited from that. It may seem as though watching TV is a bandage to fix loneliness, but I think a big part of the sadness comes from focusing on our lonely thoughts. Every night I came home to nothing and no one, but then I came home to watch some of my favorite re-runs and tv series that I’d never seen. It gave me something to look forward to and something to do. I think idleness of the mind does more damage then we give it credit for. I’m not saying a watching TV is a cure or substitution for human connection, but for me not having anything to think about except my loneliness was extremely harmful.
I know that lonliness has caused me several health issues, one being severe insomnia and lack of appetite. I find that many days I have to remember to eat and assess what my daily calorie intake has been and I eat better when I am out at restaurants or take outs surrounded by people. I too have been watching alot of TV and DVD’s just to not think about being so lonely. I am starting to feel defeated in my quest for some sort of “wholeness”. When I was younger I just thought everything would “click in” but now I am facing that this is reality for the next twenty years.
I can totally relate to the comment about thinking it would click in… I always thought … once I am married… once I have kids… once I change my job… once we move to a new neighborhood … approaching 40 I think and reading this book I get that none of those things was “the fix” … I also related to the connection to TV .. I watch “series” on dvd .. lately it has been the Waltons I have more of a connection to that family than to any real family I know.. it gives something to look forward to.
Do you think it is just that we haven’t found the “right” click of people?
Do you think the loneliness is because we are too “picky” about people or our interactions with them…like we have an expectation that can’t be met?
A
I don’t think loneliness is the result of being “too picky.” If anything, one of the psychologists I spoke to mentioned that the lonely might not be picky enough, in that they were more likely to spend time with those they weren’t compatible with, simply as a means of off-setting aloneness. I’m not sure that lonely people actually do this, but I know that being “picky” is not a cause of loneliness. If you’ve got high expectations of others, there’s no problem with that.
I know I’m not picky enough. I used to date a guy who I had little in common with, just so I wouldn’t have to be alone. When I read Alone’s sentence “…once we move to a new neighborhood…”, it reminded me that I dwell too often on the dream that my life will be grand once I move someday. Is it better to live for the future and dream, or to focus more on living for the day?
When I was younger I wasn’t “picky” and I attracted people who were unkind to me and they took advantage of my lonliness. I would also attract very “needy” people and they would drain my energy. I had to make a choice some of these people were downright cruel so I started leaving these toxic relationships knowing full well I would be left alone. It was the healthy choice to make and I was looking forward to a new future.
hello, interesting and worthwhile site you have here. The massage idea is a good idea, in my opinion years and decades without touching another human seems to build up some sort of pernicious charge and it surely must be a good thing for this to be released and the thought of touching an actual sympathetic human being in tenderness and love is overwhelming to me…. as well as unattainable. i shall explore your blog further.
ps… re being alone and creativity, I find ALL my creative work flows and is prompted by my situation of preferring (by choice?) my own company. I seem light years beyond the clay footed people i have encountered. I work with minds eye visualisation mostly.
i could write a book about this, i was loneliest when among other people, ie school and then work for eight years. now i have been self employed for nearly thirty years and I’m the closest i can come to happiness. These last few months not having any children is biting deep, tho theres no guarantee it would have been rosey to have had any. money was and is a problem, not a very pleasant constant niggle.
Luckily i am interested in stuff and always feel i am forging on to another level or another area. sorry to say i cannot sit still to watch tv or films. very few can hold my interest and i detest the garbage from Hollywood. oh yes, self diag asperger.
I have found an excellent release – bicycling. I bike about 2,500 miles per year – every saturday and sunday and, in good weather, a weekday.
And I always bicycle with other people – my bicycle club.
Yes i agree with richard, creativity DOES flow when your alone.
Even though its awful being alone, its made me appreciate what i have, ive also stopped and taken in the things i missed before. Its made me see what people are really like. But if people dont bother with you, then they are not your real friends, and its their loss! I feel like ive learnt a lifetime of lessons, in just a few years. I believe the lonely are the strong.
Hmm…loneliness, what can I say or not say about the subject. I know that I am currently suffering from serious loneliness. I have previously been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but as you have stated, those were treatable with pharmaceuticals. This loneliness, however, doesn’t seem to have any real solution.
I already do the DVR’ing TV shows. For a long time, it was my company, but now, it doesn’t have the same effect. I am tired of watching TV, so I spend more time online. The loneliness still hovers over me.
I tried the pet therapy and had two cats that I saved and raised from kittens. Last week, I had to have one “put down”, so on top of being lonely, I am filled with sorrow. My other cat seems to sense this, so spends much more “quality time” with me. It makes me smile, but deep inside, I am constantly aware of my loneliness.
I live in a small, boring town, that operates by “clicks” and I don’t seem to fit the bill to join any of these, nor do I really want to be categorized as being a member of any particular “click”. I have always been outgoing, making friends easily, but no more.
I happened to find your website because of an article I just read in AARP. I thought, if I started blogging with people who experienced similar situations, maybe I could find a helpful outlet. We’ll see how that goes.
Mostly, my being lonely seems to really diminish my creativity. I just don’t feel like doing anything these days. Is there any help for me?
@ Cynthia. In terms of help, I’d start with reading. It won’t end the loneliness, but it can be helpful. Try my book (Lonely), or John Cacioppo’s book (Loneliness) or The Lonely American. These should give you some perspective on what you’re going through.
I was supposed to be home from a meeting at 9:30pm never came home until 11:15pm.. called at 11pm to say I just got out..no one noticed I wasn’t home. Why be married? Sitting here broken hearted and LONELY in a King Size bed with a husband, while he sleeps.
Being around people you should be connected to but aren’t is harder than being alone.
There has got to be some DNA Flaw that keeps people from connecting with some of us “lonely” people. Other people don’t know how lonely I am … most think I have a happy successful ful life.
hello from NZ, thank you EW for your brave book…… and honesty……….a few thoughts on creativity, 1. i tell myself to DO 3- 4 things a day, eg, do laundry, go to post office, shower, wash dishes. as i dont want to , have no energy, cant see point, who cares anyway, as far as
creative art work… i can t seem to do any of the things i used to do, read write, stitich paint,
2. what may be helpful for others is I have found MP3 and E-books free from public library, i listen to ,some times entertained, sometimes informed, lie down in sun, lull me off to sleep, turn volume down,,,
3.i also break things into manageable portions, eg apply for job, rewrite cv one day, get websites to send me suitable jobs another day, apply for fill in forms another day.
4. same with art and crafts…i do it over a week or 2, a wee bit each day, talk myself into it..get iron out , put sewing machine on table, cut out tempaltes, and so on…….
..all the best, you are not alone,