Rent-a-friend and commercialized relationships
A tweet from John Cacioppo drew my attention to an article in the Las Vegas Weekly about “rent-a-friend” services, in which you pay by the hour for ordinary companionship.
The idea seems shocking, but–when I thought about it more closely–I realized it was just a natural extension of the commercialism that’s already affecting many aspects of our intimate relationships. In Lonely, I talk about how often I paid for contact. Not in the form of rent-a-friend, but certainly in the form of massages, therapy, exchanges with sales clerks, etc.
There’s a brilliant book by the sociologist Arlie Russell Hochschild, called The Commerialization of Intimate Life. In it (especially in the opening essay) she talks about how the market has intervened in a huge range of previously “private” relationships — how we now hire people to shop for us, babysit, care for the elderly, organize birthday parties, etc.
I think the subject of market intervention in personal relationships is a very large one — one that touches on the nature of consumerism, and how we’ve effectively lost control of it. But I think it also relates directly to loneliness. As we depend more on the market, we wind up further and further away from each other. Rent-a-friend is appalling: I feel deeply sorry for, and compassionate towards, anyone who needs to pay for connection. But there’s no point in getting exercised over something as extreme as rent-a-friend if we’re not going to pay attention to all the other ways in which we’ve let the market interfere with our personal connections. We’ve never before opened up so many aspects of our lives to the market. And we’ve probably never before felt so alone.
This entry was posted on Thursday, March 11th, 2010 at 12:08 pm and is filed under the category Social Isolation.
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18 Responses to “Rent-a-friend and commercialized relationships”
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What I find really disappointing is that if there are so many people who are lonely, why can’t they find eachother and possibly make new friends? eg. if there are 100 other lonely women your age living within a 10 minute drive from you, surely there’d be a few that you’d get on with enough to be friends …….
Unfortunately there aren’t many – if any – to meet others …….
Isnt’ that what therapy is??????
Meaning, isn’t therapy “Rent a Friend”, someone to confide in that will offer advice for a fee.
I think therapy is a very tricky subject. You’re certainly paying for someone’s attention, meaning the relationship is commercial, but…I’ve had some good experiences in therapy. I don’t think there’s any easy answer to this one. Therapy is probably the aspect of commercialized relationships that bothers me the least.
Emily, I agree completely….in regards to therapy I know “they” (the therapists) have some kind of professional experience & responsibility, along with true confidentiality. The real trick for me has been finding one that I “meld” with well, I just the word meld & not bond. I don’t want to bond with them but establish a professional rapport. And finding one that tells you what you need to be told, not necessarily what you want to hear, and one that does not transfer there personal beliefs or experiences onto their client…..plus, my insurance will cover some therapy!
. I’m lucky at this point in my life, I have found a therapist that is a “keeper” for now.
I have gone on Craig’s List to find other people who would like to get together to go out and I didn’t get back one response? That was a real let down – in a great city like Toronto and not one person wants to meet up and talk? No, there has to be a reason because when I am hanging out in the city I see more single people than couples and babies. So, there is a reason why we are not “hooking up”?
I’ve been to Vegas by myself a few times and always wanted to rent a friend to hang out with in that very social town. I ended up going by myself to the nightclubs and even a couple of posh restaurants and it was okay but, geez, I sure woulda paid for a “friend.” I always have been a bit envious of the guys getting to rent “escorts” but it’s never seemed socially acceptable for women to do the same. Always thought it was a great idea whose time is long overdue. I don’t see it as sad, just about time!
This reminds me of a year long period in my life when I left a relationship (due to how lonely I felt IN the relationship) and decided to completely isolate myself in a small town outside of Toronto where I knew no one. Why? I’m hoping your book will help me answer that question. While living there, I went into therapy with a wonderful woman who helped me deal with depression and loss, although not loneliness. Well, not directly anyway. I always joked that I was paying her to be my friend and truth be told, I was. When I finally left that isolated place, I missed her as though she was a friend as well and although it is a few years later now, I still do. It goes without saying that I am also still lonely. My loneliness set in when I was very young and with a few short breaks in between, I’d say I’m going on 30 years of this. Maybe I should start a “rent a friend” business.
I know trillions of people, and have a large estranged family, but I ain’t got a friend in the World, and I guess it would be good to share things sometimes, I think we all pay for our companionship fix one way or other, albeit a trip to the store, and sharing a moment with a fellow shopper or checkout operator, I may go to the pub now and again, and I am treated like a long lost son, that fix finishes at closing time, and is nothing like a hug, and how are you doing, what are you doing tomorrow?, would you like to call round for dinner?, go to a match, can you help me with?, or what ever?.
As for paying escort agencies, I would strongly advise against this, these people have only money in mind, and are certainly not interested in your well being, I guess its the same with therapy, after your course, they will not give you a second thought, its only in movies the therapist marries the patient.
Nice to have found this site, and hope I have not bored you all with my comment, remember, happiness is smile shaped!.
PS: you might want to call in on your neighbour if you have not seen them these last few days especially if they are elderly, and alone.
David, Where do u live???
Ok, I am starting to believe that it would be “safer” to rent a friend than to trust and bond with someone who can turn on you just as you are standing there ,heart on sleve trusing them.
I befriended a woman I met on Kijiji while I was looking for stuff who had an ad up for a bible study with free childcare.The study was awesome ,the ladies were nice. The leader and I became “friends”. I’m new to this city ,so it was nice to have someone to talk to, to trust. She took me places, her kids played with my boy..yada yada. BUT then we got my Mom and Stepfather and picked them up from Georgia to live with us (they were lonely and so were we).We have a big house. My Stepfather got brain cancer and I had to drive him to the states for dr.appts, treatments…etc…my life got really busy and sad.He lost his battle after 3 months. This friend seemed to have been here for us through this time.At the same time my husband hurt his back terribly and had to go on disability ,so I had to go to work. I was busy, sad and overwhelmed and this friend apparently was too. I withdrew from the world a bit to survive my pain, she accused me of not being there for herin hers.I had to take care of my Family, my husband, my Mom ,my son,my house,work…and this woman expected me to call her everyday and stay “connected”.
So this week I said to her, I’m going to Toronto to get my daughter from the airport this week, why don’t we take your van and go together if your not busy and spend time together (my car wasn’t safe)I would pay for gas. She thought about it, then as I was picking up my son she said NO to me, and that she felt used and her time was precious. That I wasn’t there for her enough when she needed me, and now I want a favour.You know I coulda handled a “no” in private. I was going to hire my daughter a shuttle to bring her home anyways.But an “I feel used” , in public after all the things I had done for her in the past??? More iscolation. She is a Christian Woman’s leader in her Church??? It would have been better for me to just pay a stranger to drive me somewhere . Self centered “so called people persons”, are the reason alot of us go into a shell and stay lonely. Its not worth the pain it can cause.People miss reprisent themsrlves daily. I was just being me…my lonliness is because I’d rather be alone in my hose with my husband and son, then to venture out and risk a “friend” blaming me for her lonliness.Theres alot more to this story but the jest of it stems to the iscolation people feel when they trust and they are stepped on . Isn’t our lonliness a safer invironment if you are feeling vulnerable ?God helps with the lonliness, and is easier to talk to because He doesn’t make me feel like I am “using” Him.If you can afford to rent a friend, it will come to a lesser cost to you than being hurt by a “so called” friend you had bonded too.Just my oppinon as I sit here hurt over walking away from yet another friendship because she was mean to me when I didn’t deserve it. Is it that unhealthy to embrace our lonliness and stay safe from others judgements? I might as well rent an animal instead.
Sorry Emily, I didn’t realise that last comment was so long…you can delete it after you read it.I won’t mind.
I feel that there have been people in my life who have taken advantage of my lonliness. I am a kind person and help when I can and I don’t expect anything in return but some people have gone completely overboard. Now I have developed a “trust” issue which of course has excaberated my lonliness situation. I try to meet people and make friends but I am always on my guard against “users”
Reading and thinking… wondering if there may be as many reasons for lonliness as there are lonely people. Going back to yol’s first comment, about finding other lonely people to connect with, and form friendships with: I had been wondering about that concept in the last few days. WOULD we find a support group and friendships if we were able to get a group of lonely people together, OR is there a lot more to it in many cases, and would we still tend to isolate ourselves even in such a group?? (I suppose this plays with our fearful thought: “Is there something ‘wrong’ with lonely people?”)
Linda, I’ve had the same thoughts and concerns about forming relationships with other lonely people, and perhaps we would still isolate ourselves in some ways; but one advantage might be that other lonely people would understand that tendency to isolate in ways that the non-lonely just don’t get. So even if there “is something ‘wrong’ with lonely people,” as a community of sorts, we would perhaps all understand those tendencies to isolation.
Hi, I signed up to be a rent-a -freind and have not gotten any requests, even though I positioned myself as a very friendly person. Would you believe that I am not in it for the money, as someone up there suggested? I am actually in it to help others, and to help myself, just like a volunteer job. I put online that the price was going to be low and negotiable, since I was really just wanting to be a friend. No one has emailed me yet!
Hi owljulie, how is your venture going?, if you are overwhelmed with replies, let me help you take up the slack, purely selfish reasons I am afraid to say, It seems to me, everyone in the World is wrapped up in a fantastically busy social life!.
Seriously, its like no one needs friends anymore, even just to chill now and again, and we all need that little bit of input just to keep the batteries charged.
Loneliness is a bit like a game of dare, how far before you go over the edge?, a bit scary sometimes, one gets quite used to keeping that distance, but how long for?, I lose myself in my PC, listening to music, and generally keeping busy, but if I let my mind wander off what I am doing, “gosh”, its like diving into the abyss, seemingly with no means of escape, this process goes on day after day, week after week, I keep asking myself how do other people cope?, are they stronger willed than me?, what if they are not?, and if I think loneliness is hell, then there are others in a worse situation, there are loads of questions I keep asking myself!.
So as I have said, just send me your spare capacity, “lol”, and remember happiness can be construed as smile shaped.
David, I can relate to your “keep the batteries charged” phrase. After I’ve finally had a chance to get together with a friend, I feel refreshed, like a burden has been lifted. If the friend is someone who has a lot of people in their own life, I wonder if they have any idea what it is like for someone like me. I don’t feel that I can admit to them the extent to which I’d been feeling desparate for some type of human connection.