My new loneliness “scale”
Just back from the park, and–as I was out–I was thinking about what I might call my new loneliness “scale.” It involves dogs. Bear with me here — it’s not as nutty as it sounds.
I notice that my loneliness is “correlated” with my longing for a canine companion. When my social needs are being met, I can pat a dog and move on. But when I’m feeling alone, and see a dog, I have to have it. This feeling has caused problems. I’ve had two foster dogs through the house, and neither has worked out. How could they? I have four cats–the oldest one being especially intolerant of anything that barks.
But my loneliness was crying out for a dog. (And don’t worry, both of those foster dogs ended up with good adoptive homes.) I think my new loneliness scale would go something like this.
Imagine you see a dog in the park. You: A) say hello to the owner and pass by, B) ignore the owner and begin to pat the dog, or C) wait til owner isn’t looking and snatch the dog away forever!
If your answer is “C”, that probably indicates high loneliness. I mean, I think it indicates it reliably. We intuitively recognize that animals can be real companions, and loneliness will invariably (if we’re “pet people”) heighten our need for animal companionship.
What I find most interesting in all of this was that, when I was at the park, I wasn’t interested in the owners. I had no desire to strike up conversations. My attention was focused on the dogs. That’s a little peculiar, no? I mean, I should be trying to spark up conversations with people. But all I wanted was to grab a huge Lab and run!
This entry was posted on Sunday, March 21st, 2010 at 1:45 pm and is filed under the category Animal Assisted Therapy.
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13 Responses to “My new loneliness “scale””
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I would have thought that the distinction between “alone” and “lonely” was an important indicator of whether someone wanted a pet, but then I thought about it and there are a LOT of people with pets, and they can’t all be “alone” or “lonely”!!
I fit in the category “lonely” even though I share a house with a family member……. yet I definately wouldn’t be interested in a pet. But I’m probably in the minority
Hi Emily, I understand completely. I have a dog – a lab – and she is my greatest companion. I meet a lot of other dogs through her. Sometimes, I have developed friendships with their owners, but the owners are rarely my first interest. It is always about the dog.
I was recently out with a friend and when a man walked by with a dog, she noticed that I looked at the dog, while she checked out the guy. She asked me about it and my response was, “the dog never disappoints whereas the guy almost always does.” She was talking about whether he was date material, of course. I wasn’t.
I’m reading your book right now and loving it. It feels like the therapy I’ve been looking for my whole life. Thank you for doing this research and for being so candid about your own loneliness.
I just read People Magazine’s review of your book, and felt compelled to check out your blog. Believe me, I know that being “lonely” does exist, and that it is apart from being depressed. I am not depressed. I am lonely. My husband of 41 yrs. has always professed his love for me, and our childrenI…..he just has never had any “time” for us. I was okay with that when we lived in the same area as our grown children and their families, but now that we don’t live near our children and my grandchildren, which is not to my liking, nothing has changed. My husband has always had his “work” and his “hobbies”. When he is finished with the one he goes on to the other. He has always been that way….even when our children were living at home. Don’t get me wrong, I have friends and I enjoy them. I don’t like having this feeling of loneliness, but I don’t know how to change my situation. I don’t believe I can teach an old dog new tricks, and I don’t know what we would have to say to each other anyway. I just know that I am lonely.
I’m right there with you. But then again, dogs often seem more interesting/enjoyable than a lot of people I know!
I am married, still with a child (18) at home and I am lonely. A dog just wouldn’t work out in my situation (residence location). BUT I’ve often thought, if I were on my own I would forget about trying to find human companionship, move out to the countryside, and get me a big dog—-
so I think there IS a correlation to that thought process and loneliness.
At least one recent study (e.g. by Nicholas Epley) has demonstrated that lonely people on average are more likely to anthropomorphize. Relevant?
(apologies if this is already covered in your book, which seems not unlikely. I’m only about the halfway through it right now. Quite enjoyable thus far!)
Whats wrong with being the “cat”lady down the street??? As far as lonely scales go…whatever helps…is my adage.
Thats sounds like me!
I do that too. Notice the dogs and not the people and you are right now that I think of it — it has to do with loneliness. In a park in a group of dogs and people, it’s hard for me to be verbal enough for the human conversation and I keep being naturally more tuned in to the dogs. Of course, I have made two human friends in my neighborhood partly because their dogs glommed onto me.
I totally get it…..I always say that I prefer animals over most humans!
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. ~Andy Rooney
have found this to be true, as well. however, after my dog of many, many years passed, i found it has forced me to reach out MORE than i ever would, in a positive way. i’m still me, but i see what a surrogate he could be, and at times i feel a twinge of guilt out of expecting so much of a true friend. Thank God for Dog!
wow, right on target for me too. If I could have all of the pets I want when I want them, there would be a real problem ;0) This may sound insensitive but I’m much more affected by the injury or death of an animal than a human. Humans have let me down so much, animals never do.
I have a German Shepherd and I use a wheelchair. My boy Scout always attracts attention and is a great ice breaker when we’re in public.