Oh no! Daphne Merkin doesn’t like my book
So, it’s happened. After a month of stellar reviews, I’ve gotten my first bad one—from a woman named Daphne Merkin, writing in this month’s Elle Magazine.
What bothers me about the review is not the criticism—I can handle that—but rather the fact that Merkin doesn’t seem to understand what I’m talking about. She says I write well, and that I’m funny, but that loneliness just isn’t worth talking about: I’ve made, essentially, a mountain out of a molehill.
A few weeks ago, a friend of mine noted that loneliness is something everyone feels qualified to pronounce on. This seems to be what’s happened with Merkin. She doesn’t struggle with long-term loneliness, and—since she doesn’t have problems with it—she feels free to say that no one else does either.
At the beginning of Lonely, I note that I wrote the book against a constant chorus of “Why bother?” Why bother, in other words, writing about the state as though it mattered? Well, because it does matter. Merkin seems myopic: it’s her experience, and hers only, that seems to count. But what I’ve been hearing from people—through this blog, and on radio phone-ins—is that long-term loneliness is critical: it can distort and undermine a life.
Feel free to read the review if you wish. You can share your thoughts on it with me. After being really upset about it yesterday, I seem to have shrugged it off. Merkin has simply confirmed what I’ve known all along: some people won’t identify with what I’m writing about. That’s fine. But it doesn’t mean that loneliness isn’t a reality for many.
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21 Responses to “Oh no! Daphne Merkin doesn’t like my book”
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Emily
If you’re going to get a “bad” review, I’m glad it was from a narrowminded, superficial, false and myopic magazine like Elle. I don’t consider the readers of a magazine like Elle to be representative of the majority of Americans, of Australians, of British etc …….
The very fact that the main reason for the book totally eluded the woman is one of the reasons why you shouldn’t waste one single minute worrying about what she thinks!!!
I’m glad that with the passing of a few days you feel better …. in a bit more time I’m sure you’ll only pity the woman for being so narrow-minded!!
Sending you big smiles from Downunder
Thank you!!
Emily,
I am reading your book. I am only on the third chapter and you have articulated things I have felt and couldn’t really define or describe to myself or others. It’s a hard read at times for this reason but very welcome. The self-loathing that I have felt around my life-long loneliness which was conditioned in my early life can be quite debilitating! I totally appreciate the work you have done.
Thank you for having the courage to address an issue which I
have had to deal with since I was seven years old! It’s because of people like Ms. Merkin that I have had to hide behind a facade of perpetual contentment. Who would think that a person could be lonely when surrounded by loving parents and friends. Yet, even now at the age of 62 yrs. I still
find myself consumed at times by this overwhelming feeling of lonliness. As soon as I heard about your book I had to have
it. It was like a huge validation for all the years of silence I have so desperately clung to. Ms. Merkin seems to be caught up in a world of fantasy. When I think about it isn’t that what
ELLE is all about. Perhaps, it is she who is the lonely one. Afterall, we too are experts at the game of masquerade and
elaborate disguises.
How can I relate to a book I haven’t even purchased yet? I saw a blurb in People magazine, stumbled upon your website, and after reading the preamble, am completely convinced that this is my next MUST read. Although I have wonderful parents & some great friends, I am 36, single, and an only child. I battle loneliness and isolation on a daily basis which is overwhelmingly painful at times. I cannot wait to get your book and devour it. Sorry Daphne… it’s worth it to me and I haven’t even started yet!
Lonliness is not worth talking about? I am thrilled that someone IS talking about it. I was floored when I read the review in People magazine on the book Lonely….That review led me here. I have never gone to a website to learn more about a book or it’s author before. I knew exactly what Emily was talking about. I have been living this type of lonely for years, but the last two have been excrutiating. When Emily called it ‘chronic lonliness’ … I was YEAH. It just clicked. Emily’s mention of going into the bookstore across the street from her work and explaining how the books and bookstore made her feel, again I couldn’t believe it. My books are my only happiness. Unfortunately, since my divorce in June I can’t afford this book and since I just moved to a small town of 2,000 people, I’m not sure it’ll come to the local library, but I have got to find a way to get this book. I feel like it could save my life! I honestly didn’t know there were people out therewith my same situation and feelings. Most people think of lonley people as old people in nursing homes without family visiting them. I was incredibly lonely in my heart when I was married and again after the divorce when I lived with my son, daughter in law and three grandchildren. My lonley lives in my heart and head. Bless you Emily!
I agree totally with Meredith’s comment. I too have not read the book yet but can totally relate. I am 37 and an only child as well. I also feel a deep and crippling loneliness on a daily basis. I have great and supportive parents and a couple of close friends but they don’t seem to help this isolation that I feel. I sometimes feel as if I am living behind a glass wall, watching others live thier lives but am unable to be a part of it. I often feel invisible even though I have something of high profile job. I am truly looking forward to reading this book and will be going out to get it tomorrow. Thank you!
I read the review of your book in People while on vacation. I felt like I could relate to what was described in the little blurb. I am 38 and feel that maybe my loneliness is ‘situational’…but I’m not so sure some days. I’ve gone through over 10yrs of infertility and now we are in the adoption process (over 2 years) and still childless. We have lots of supportive friends and family, but I feel like I’m alone much of the time even when I’m with my husband, our families, friends, etc. My husband doesn’t seem to get too down about it, but I find myself thinking about it much of the time. So, I tend to isolate myself. Anyway, thanks for writing this book….I’m definitely going to check it out.
I agree with the first poster. Elle is a magazine that is not worth reading (and I don’t). I just happened to buy the People magazine because a friend’s husband was mentioned in the “Hero section.” I read the review about your book as I read through the rest of the magazine. Otherwise I probably wouldn’t have noticed the book until I had made a trip to Barnes and Noble.
Like many of the comments on this thread, I saw the blurb for your book and thought, “Wow…there is someone out there who ‘gets it’! I have not read your book yet either, but I can tell by the essence of the description that it definitely applies to me. As an only child, I experienced being alone all the time. I can handle being alone, yet there is a difference in being alone and being lonely. I have heard that people and animals can die of loneliness…I feel this way quite often, especially lately. I am 45 years old and no longer relate to my 4 children like before (they all grow up and develop their lives) this has left me feeling as though my purpose here is finished…but, as soon as I save up enough money, your book is going to be one of the first things to buy! Thank you for addressing this issue and as one post read, it is folks like Daphne who make it difficult to discuss such deep, soul matters….let her enjoy the glossy, superficial and materialistic pages of Elle…along with her shallow friends. If I had to wager, I bet she’s just as lonely but too scared to admit it. I can’t wait ’til I can get to the bookstore!!
I came across your book 10 days ago, when in a moment of extreme loneliness induced sadness, I googled the word lonely and came accross Caccioppo’s website.
I bought your book two days ago and have started reading it and I find I can relate to it to the point that I have cried reading it. So much of what you describe rings to true to me that it is really hard. I am now starting to worry about all that you say about effects of loneliness on health. I still have about 120 pages of your book left, so I am secretly hoping for a ‘remedy’ or some good advice.
Anyway, thank you for writing this book. Somehow, though in a very very small way, it helps to know that there are other people like me out there.
It’s because of people like Daphne Merkin that your book is so important. Loneliness is so often dismissed and viewed as temporary or what happens when you “just don’t try hard enough”.
I have gone the route of self-help books, personal development courses, doctors, naturopaths, psychologist, you name it. That nagging sense of something not quite right but not able to identify it. I am only one-third the way through your book and am ASTOUNDED to see all my thoughts, feelings and symptoms so clearly recounted in your story. I”m so glad I was home that Saturday afternoon a couple of weekends ago, listening to CBC Radio and heard your interview.
I have a family member who is finishing her PhD in psychology and is very interested in the area of anxiety. I am going to recommend your book to her as I believe it would be important in her work.
I am past 70, and have been being treated for Depression for 20 years. But I wonder if that is really the issue: the thing I always think of is how LONELY I feel. I have moved dozens of times in my life and have no long-term friends. Just tonight my husband and I were having dinner in a neighborhood restaurant and once again I noticed a group of women having a meal together and felt such a strong sense of envy — and sadness. I always want to go over to groups like this and ask if they will be my friends too.
Just finished your book. Like others, I read the People mag review and had that feeling of kinship. I went to Barnes & Noble on March 11, expecting to find your book in the “new” section. It wasn’t there! I had to ask for it…they had it in the warehouse but had not shipped to stores. Took them a week to get it in. I was so disappointed to have to wait.
I have felt lonely since I was a child, and often CHOSE solitude. Even being married for 25 yrs and with 2 kids, the feeling is never far from me, especially now.
This book, and your excellent research made me feel so much better about being on antidepressants, and going off them within a few months because they didn’t help. I’m not depressed; I’m lonely, and that distinction is crucial.
It was 4 years ago I first read an article in Oprah’s magazine about loneliness that was a glimpse of what I experience. Since then I’ve read John Cacioppo’s book, which was insightful, but written more from a medical or academic standpoint. I longed for someone to write about loneliness in laymen’s terms, to make it more personal, yet provide the research and resources that reveals this condition as real and set apart from depression. You’ve done exactly that!
Thank you for your book–for putting into words what I have felt since my teens. I inherited loneliness from my mother, who also suffered from depression. But it was clear to me (perhaps only to me) that her depression and stages of loneliness were different. I’m sure she prayed on many occasions that if her children were to suffer from what she did, they they would find the support that she didn’t. The book is an answer to prayer. Again. Thank you.
Loneliness seems to be a dirty word for many. Many people have heard the phrase “lonely in a crowd” but how many understand what it really means? Being lonely is not necessarily about being alone, but that is when it hits you hardest.
Kudos to Emily for being brave enough to talk about something that makes one so vulnerable. Brava!
Read the article about you in the Daily Mail (UK website) and felt such a kinship. Give Merkin some time and am sure one day, hopefully not, she will understand. It is like weight. You think you will be your skinny self forever and wonder how ‘older’ people you know let themselves go, then in your 30′s you suddenly get it!
Back on point, your comments about going a whole weekend without talking to anyone really spoke to and reminded me of my life 10 years ago. After moving 900 miles south from my Midwestern homestead for a job, over time lost interest in meeting people. I also knew there was something up with me when I realized that I didn’t hear another voice from Friday afternoon until Monday morning at work. It just got easier and easier to develop routines that involved only me. Also had the coffee shop (was a regular) and went to the mall for some solitary shopping with the crowds. My friends were the Friends, Elaine, Jerry and the gang and even Murder She Wrote on TV! ..and I did have a dog and, thank goodness, an elderly neighbor who ‘needed’ me to visit her on Sat. mornings. Right! Truth be told, this hermit behavior did not really start after my move, but before it when I stopped making an effort to reciprocate invitations or attend things.
Finally, was on a trip for work and met someone in another country. We developed a long distance relationship, lost my job (best thing that happened to me) and my world suddenly got shook upside down. My husband cannot understand why I look back at that time with a positive attitude, but I know they were the introspection, sadness, silence and yes, misery years and I try to embrace them now and think about myself, who I am, what I want. Glad that I have been there and done that!! Whew!
Thanks, for what you wrote and will get the book next time I am stateside. I don’t want to go down that road again and I think your book will help me understand how to stay in the moment and cherish relationships. Loved the dog scale, too and completely agree.
Emily,
Thank you for writing this book. I picked up your book yesterday while browsing in the book store, and I can’t put it down. I am 52-years-old and have struggled with a deep and profound lonliness ever since I can remember. Your book is giving me hope.
Emily, I have just stumbled across your website & am so grateful to you for doing what I have long wanted to do myself. Like some others who have commented here, I am an only child and have suffered chronic loneliness since earliest childhood. I have often wondered if it is something inherent in being an only child. I have had one or two close friends at various times in my life but lost touch with them all. I believe this is because I want too much from friendship – that I am looking for the sibling I have never had – and that this has made my friends feel overwhelmed (they have all had siblings & didn’t understand my situation). I am now in my 40′s & married without children. My husband is loving but very reserved and even more of an introvert than I am. He claims never to have experienced loneliness, though he has no friends. My only friends (apart from my husband) are my elderly parents and I worry about the desolation I will be plunged into when they are no longer alive. It is only in my relationship with them that I feel a complete sense of belonging. I have raised the subject of loneliness with others on occasion because I believe in honesty. However I have found it really is a taboo. I have met with embarrassment and almost disgust, as if I were admitting to having a highly contagious social disease. Maybe that is the way loneliness is perceived. It is certainly seen as evidence of failure or some lack in the sufferer. That’s one of the saddest things about being lonely – if you admit it in an attempt to connect with others, you are likely to be rejected by them because they don’t want to face the possibility of their own loneliness. It’s like not being friends with the kid who’s being bullied because you don’t want to be bullied as well. Anyway, thanks again & I will definitely get your book.
Responding to Lonely Only. I am not an only child, but I have only a brother. Even that seems to make a difference–not having sisters. The truth is I don’t want to be “friends” with everyone, or even lots of people. I want a “deep” friendship with emotional intimacy. There’s not a lot of us out there, that want that, so that is a big part of the loneliness. I do best with 4 or 5 friends I can attain that with, because I don’t have to focus so much of that “need” on only one person, but can reach out to different ones. I am losing 2 of those friends to cancer right now. The difficulty is that I want to be there for them, and they do have sisters who they are reaching toward, naturally. I almost feel selfish in these feelings, but I don’t mean it in a selfish way.
Bev, you’re exactly right – emotional intimacy is what’s missing from so many of life’s encounters. I’m bemused by the satisfaction people find in Facebook etc. They call their contacts ‘friends’ but is that really what they are? Superficial exchanges only go so far. How do we satisfy our need for genuine, meaningful & mutual connection with others?