Comments on: Stigma — I’ve been “diagnosed”

By: Freya

Freya — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 21:41:23 +0000

I just stumbled upon your site, and first of all let me say a big THANK-YOU. It takes courage and sensitivity to write about loneliness, to blog about it, to be willing to explore and expose others to this subject. The term loneliness makes some people panic, yet I find comfort that you are bringing light to this, as it is so prevalent in our lives today. To me, loneliness is not about diagnoses or labels, but it seems that my soul is reaching out, and can only do so in times of sheer aloneness. How else do you start listening to what is beating deep within you? To those out there who think that lonely people are soul-less, god-less, mission-less etc….I feel for you. Yes, sometimes I panic that I will head down the highway to insanity, if I don’t snap out of this long-term chronic loneliness, yet there is a feeling that lets me know everything is as it should be. I have shared a similar life story with your bloggers, being surrounded by friends and family, yet feeling lonely, since I was a child. How refreshing it is to meet others who share this phenomenon. I look forward to reading your book, and sharing comments with your forum. Thank-you again for your site, it is like a breath of fresh air.

By: Shelly

Shelly — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 16:05:15 +0000

Emily’s absolutely right about the labels. We don’t like talking about loneliness because it makes us uncomfortable, so we play a shell game and create new diagnoses.

That being said, I wonder if there may be some slight merit to narrowing down the type of loneliness one suffers from. After all, one can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel absolutely alone. Others may spend a lot of time in isolation. Others still may have opportunities to connect, but may not take advantage of them for various reasons. Loneliness is complex and differs from person to person, and I do think it’s important to at least try to understand the nature of one’s loneliness. Re-naming it won’t solve it, but at least if you’re one of those sufferers who happens to be surrounded by family and a member tells you not to be lonely because you have family, you’ll realize that the issue isn’t that you have a family, but perhaps the feeling that you can’t seem to connect properly with them, etc.

I haven’t read the person’s statement about Emily, so I’m not condoning the re-labeling, but if it helps a person to realize, “I’m avoidant so I have to make sure I’m aware of how that might affect the way I interact with others and if I’m truly being rational or if my brain chemistry is playing tricks on me,” then maybe it can be a good thing.

You know, lemons and lemonade and stuff.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 21:46:50 +0000

I am considered as a pretty witty and friendly person, but I am ready to admit I really am very lonely. I think that part of the problem is caused by an advanced, highly technical society, with the internet, facebook, games taking up all of our time. People need more human contact. I have tried making friends in my Church/Sunday school. I feel like maybe I have turned off potential friends and a current boyfriend by my chattiness. I know that much of the time people tend to talk more if they live alone, or feel isolated because of the lack of social connections due to being out of work. I am the sole child and caretaker of my Mother. I am not able to work since I have to take care of her 24/7. I feel like it is much more difficult to make friends when you get to be in your 50′s and single. Most people seem to me to be in a hurry and are too busy with their own lives and problems to want any new friends.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 22:33:38 +0000

Emily,
I have never had the term “avoidant personality” applied to me per se however I suspect being labelled anti social conveys essentially the same meaning. Neither is appropriate in describing what I believe we are feeling. Being lonely is a much deeper, complex experience than being physically alone. I can feel profound loneliness when surrounded by people who I cannot seem to understand ( intellectually or emotionally) nor connect with than I can when by myself or “alone”. What perplexes me is how few people understand this when I try to explain it…even those who are closest to me, hence the confusion and labelling. I wonder if all of us who can identify with this sense of loneliness have suffered since early childhood. I know I have. What fascinates me about my situation is that I am a twin and my twin has little if any insight into this condition. Like others she tends to see me as either depressed or anti social.

By: akbj

akbj — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 04:47:12 +0000

Wow, just read about your book today & definitely will be reading it. I feel like I’ve been lonely all my life, always have wondered about other people. I to was once diagnosed as having “avoidant” personality disorder whcih I thought was dumb then & even dumber now. I was & am lonely. I volunteer, but am the only person in my family living in my state, my parents are gone & my siblings are far away. I watch & re-watch TV shows on dvd like “friends” because they feel so good to me, they feel like my family & that’s pathetic. I’ve been diagnosed with depression & anxiety for years, but honestly I think most of it’s loneliness. But I also have a need to be alone for fair amounts of time, guess that’s being Introverted. But Introverts get lonely too. Thanks so much for addressing this issue.

By: Emily

Emily — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 15:16:39 +0000

No, these are strangers diagnosing me online, but I completely understand and agree with your point about AvPD being used as a way of “shielding” the people who might be close to you. Thank you for the idea!

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 04:17:26 +0000

Emily – is it people you know well that are saying this? If so, then I know why they said this.

You see, if you say that you’re lonely then they THINK that it will mean that THEY are bad friends of bad people because they aren’t seeing you enough to stop you being lonely – because they think that loneliness means lack of friends to see etc.

They just don’t know that you can be lonely and yet have a busy life. You can be lonely standing in a room amongst 100 people.

Maybe they are taking it as a personal criticism of them?

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Sat, 20 Feb 2010 01:02:32 +0000

Emily- No disrespect intended by the use of the first name- pay absolutely no attention to internet commentators. (And I do realize the inherent irony given that this is, of course, an internet comment.) They are almost all nuts, but some are excellent. Methinks that anyone who tries to ‘diagnose’ someone over the internet falls into the category of nuts, as opposed to excellent.