Stigma — I’ve been “diagnosed”
I knew this would happen: someone online (not a reader of my book, or the blog), has diagnosed me as having Avoidant Personality Disorder. I dissect “AvPD” pretty neatly in the book. My sense is that the “Avoidant” label is being used precisely because we don’t talk about loneliness.
A personality disorder refers to something inherently wrong with the self. There is nothing at all wrong with loneliness: it is not a mark of a malfunctioning personality.
What ticks me off (ooh, I’m getting mad here!) is that I say “lonely,” and someone immediately says, “Oh, you’re not lonely, you’re avoidant.” Actually, the problem is loneliness. If there were less stigma attaching to the state, we might be able to start talking about it without having to slap labels like “AvPD” on it.
This entry was posted on Friday, February 19th, 2010 at 5:07 pm and is filed under the category Stigma of Loneliness.
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7 Responses to “Stigma — I’ve been “diagnosed””
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Emily- No disrespect intended by the use of the first name- pay absolutely no attention to internet commentators. (And I do realize the inherent irony given that this is, of course, an internet comment.) They are almost all nuts, but some are excellent. Methinks that anyone who tries to ‘diagnose’ someone over the internet falls into the category of nuts, as opposed to excellent.
Emily – is it people you know well that are saying this? If so, then I know why they said this.
You see, if you say that you’re lonely then they THINK that it will mean that THEY are bad friends of bad people because they aren’t seeing you enough to stop you being lonely – because they think that loneliness means lack of friends to see etc.
They just don’t know that you can be lonely and yet have a busy life. You can be lonely standing in a room amongst 100 people.
Maybe they are taking it as a personal criticism of them?
No, these are strangers diagnosing me online, but I completely understand and agree with your point about AvPD being used as a way of “shielding” the people who might be close to you. Thank you for the idea!
Wow, just read about your book today & definitely will be reading it. I feel like I’ve been lonely all my life, always have wondered about other people. I to was once diagnosed as having “avoidant” personality disorder whcih I thought was dumb then & even dumber now. I was & am lonely. I volunteer, but am the only person in my family living in my state, my parents are gone & my siblings are far away. I watch & re-watch TV shows on dvd like “friends” because they feel so good to me, they feel like my family & that’s pathetic. I’ve been diagnosed with depression & anxiety for years, but honestly I think most of it’s loneliness. But I also have a need to be alone for fair amounts of time, guess that’s being Introverted. But Introverts get lonely too. Thanks so much for addressing this issue.
Emily,
I have never had the term “avoidant personality” applied to me per se however I suspect being labelled anti social conveys essentially the same meaning. Neither is appropriate in describing what I believe we are feeling. Being lonely is a much deeper, complex experience than being physically alone. I can feel profound loneliness when surrounded by people who I cannot seem to understand ( intellectually or emotionally) nor connect with than I can when by myself or “alone”. What perplexes me is how few people understand this when I try to explain it…even those who are closest to me, hence the confusion and labelling. I wonder if all of us who can identify with this sense of loneliness have suffered since early childhood. I know I have. What fascinates me about my situation is that I am a twin and my twin has little if any insight into this condition. Like others she tends to see me as either depressed or anti social.
I am considered as a pretty witty and friendly person, but I am ready to admit I really am very lonely. I think that part of the problem is caused by an advanced, highly technical society, with the internet, facebook, games taking up all of our time. People need more human contact. I have tried making friends in my Church/Sunday school. I feel like maybe I have turned off potential friends and a current boyfriend by my chattiness. I know that much of the time people tend to talk more if they live alone, or feel isolated because of the lack of social connections due to being out of work. I am the sole child and caretaker of my Mother. I am not able to work since I have to take care of her 24/7. I feel like it is much more difficult to make friends when you get to be in your 50’s and single. Most people seem to me to be in a hurry and are too busy with their own lives and problems to want any new friends.
Emily’s absolutely right about the labels. We don’t like talking about loneliness because it makes us uncomfortable, so we play a shell game and create new diagnoses.
That being said, I wonder if there may be some slight merit to narrowing down the type of loneliness one suffers from. After all, one can be surrounded by friends and family and still feel absolutely alone. Others may spend a lot of time in isolation. Others still may have opportunities to connect, but may not take advantage of them for various reasons. Loneliness is complex and differs from person to person, and I do think it’s important to at least try to understand the nature of one’s loneliness. Re-naming it won’t solve it, but at least if you’re one of those sufferers who happens to be surrounded by family and a member tells you not to be lonely because you have family, you’ll realize that the issue isn’t that you have a family, but perhaps the feeling that you can’t seem to connect properly with them, etc.
I haven’t read the person’s statement about Emily, so I’m not condoning the re-labeling, but if it helps a person to realize, “I’m avoidant so I have to make sure I’m aware of how that might affect the way I interact with others and if I’m truly being rational or if my brain chemistry is playing tricks on me,” then maybe it can be a good thing.
You know, lemons and lemonade and stuff.