Comments on: Loneliness and religion — a follow up

By: Wendy

Wendy — Sat, 06 Nov 2010 07:41:56 +0000

Dearest Emily:

Religion is never the answer.

Wendy

By: Reeny

Reeny — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 15:31:59 +0000

I joined a Unitarian Universalist church several months ago, which is quite different from my Catholic upbringing. For the first time, I felt that I could identify with their views and felt that the church was a great fit for me.

Although the members were very welcoming and sincere, I had a tough time connecting with other people–I think mostly due to demographic reasons. I’m single and without kids, and most of the congregation is married with kids. During the coffee hour, I would try to mingle with others that appeared to be standing by themselves, but it seemed that everyone already knew each other, and had their own things to talk about. I would embarassingly find myself standing in the middle of the room with no one to talk to, and just ended up going home. I stopped going to the church because attending the services made me feel more lonely.

Also, I didn’t find any church activities that interested me. Most of the activities require strong leadership and planning abilities, and my personality is that of a loyal follower, not the type to round up people.

Perhaps if I joined a Unitarian church in a major city, there would be more singles like me that want to connect outside of a couples world.

By: OwlJulie

OwlJulie — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 22:06:44 +0000

Hey, you mention church groups. Mega churches, in my short experience, is not what you want if you are lonely. The reason? It’s like a fairgrounds atmosphere when you arrive at the church. In order to make a friendship it is you who must reach out. In my experience, besides that the pastor called me personally, I felt overwhelmed in the church service. BUt you should seek out a small church which is intimate; the reason ebing that when you arrive there, they all greet you and all ask you how you are. When you sing the church songs, every voice is heard; that is, if you think you would enjoy that singing aspect of it (I really do). Singing is soothing, and singing in unison with 15 other people in a beautiful melody can really feel unifying and good. There is also a family-like aspect in a small intimate church that I never felt in a big mega church. That is why the smart Mega Churches offer small weekly bible study groups which get together in people’s homes; they have to do this or no one would feel included in their church; it helps people connect and contact, it also encourages more open communication and intimacy! If you don’t have similar beliefs to the church you are going to, you may tend to get sort of frustrated or angry and feel that you really don’t belong. I see the bible message from a more ‘new age’, open, symbolic viewpoint instead of a strict, non-symbolic viewpoint; my church does not. I wish people would get the symbolism and the poetry and the meaning like I do; but they must be getting it on a different level than I am. It is all okay. If you do not ‘get’ things the way that other members do, see if you, as a writer, can look at the bible in the sense of its symbolic meaning. I think that is what was meant by the original writers, anyway- but that is my personal view; If I had to say it, I’d say maybe 5% of Christians get that the bible is symbolic, but that is only my experience, and I am in the South of Louisiana, where I think maybe people tend to interpret it more strictly. Thanks for reading. -Julie

By: Ellen

Ellen — Sun, 30 May 2010 03:33:07 +0000

I just started reading your book that I picked up at the library Friday. I like the honesty, usually books are written by people looking at a situation from the outside, and all the suggestions are just fluff. But since you suffer from the same afflication, everything you said just made sense! Even the part about forgetting words! I left church years ago, and I think it just exagerated the lonliness because I worked with people, and found out that we weren’t a “family” after all. Since I left no one has bothered with us.

I was in a born again church. They draw you in with the hope of love, and family, and your just in a crowd of sick people just like yourself, and no one ever gets better. So no one really knows how to help anyone else. It was all about working to bring more sick people into the church! Women would occasionally open up and talk about how lonely they were, but very rarely. It was awful. I was glad I left. Since then, I haven’t really wanted any social interaction. I felt like some kind of loser. I don’t want empty relationships. I’ve gone to knitting groups, but that was bad. I just realized how I didn’t fit in. I don’t want to have to work so hard to belong. I just want to be myself.

I think it’s a genetic disposition. I’m from a shy family, and I’m also introverted. My parents were very dependant on each other for company, and were okay with that. I have to be out and involved with the kids, so I’m aware that I don’t have any friends at all. I would never tell anyone that, but I suspect that alot of women especially are in the same boat.

Thanks for your book!

By: Jill

Jill — Wed, 05 May 2010 02:00:03 +0000

Anna, my mom was anti-social, like your mom. And I also had a dad who yelled at us. I can see how growing up in that environment can make it hard to form social bonds. My mom would be so stiff and serious even when barely greeting a grocery store cashier. I feel like I learned from my parents to be suspicious of others, even when there is no reason to be suspicious.

By: Anna

Anna — Thu, 08 Apr 2010 04:25:58 +0000

I have a wonderful husband and two young boys age 3 and 1 but can feel very lonely at times. Having one or two good friends would help. I have a few aquantances but not close friends. I did not have any friends in gradeschool except for 2 years and that has really hurt me. I know that sounds weird, but I was raised by a mom who was pretty anti-social and told me I didn’t need friends. My dad yelled at us every day of his life and we were always scared he would embarrass us in public. He always said if he lost his job we would end up on the streets; he said this when I was 8 and I believed him.
A child needs friends,and without friends in your younger years, it can make it more difficult as an adult.
I try to not focus on the past because I can’t change it.
I think the key of not being lonely is not caring what others think about you, either they like you or they don’t. This is much easier said than done for me. Also there will always be those that don’t like you. Just to find an outlet of a close friend or two will help me, its just very hard for me to trust females because I have had friendships in the past with women where they basically become too busy to be my friend anymore.
I love to run and even to find someone to jog with would be great.
I work as a physical therapist and like my job since I help people daily, and my patients would have no idea I would write what I have written above.
Since I have kids it is easier now to connect with women with kids.

Anna

By: Karla

Karla — Sat, 27 Mar 2010 00:56:34 +0000

I started going to a Sangha – a Zen meditation group. I don’t know if that is available to you but there are actually online Sanghas now too. I think you find with meditation, that you aren’t alone. I experience loneliness deeply – but have been immeasurably helped by meditation. It alters your perception. And improves your sense of interbeing. Which alleviates loneliness.

By: A New Yawker

A New Yawker — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 04:45:23 +0000

Just want to state that some time ago Christa Tibbet of National Public Radio’s “Speaking of Faith” program had a born again christian on her program who stated that for many people religion feeds their need for companionship.

By: willow

willow — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 02:45:45 +0000

In some ways I feel that religion has been one of the ways that lonliness becomes even more entrenched. It hasn’t helped me – however oddly enough I have found a community that does assuage some feeling of lonliness disconnectedness with an on line community of wiccan believers. They have been more accepting of me, someone they never have actually seen or interacted in person with than the Catholic community I was in for years. Maybe it was the feeling different that made me feel lonely. There is much more to say about online community and the virtual world vs. “real”. I know I have spent years feeling lonely in church, and now feel welcomed in an unstructured place in the cyber world.

By: Emily

Emily — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 20:59:25 +0000

I loved the meditation sessions that I used to sit in on in Toronto. Just as you described it: being with people in a meaningful way without interacting. Now that I’m in a much smaller town, it’s hard to find that same personal yet somewhat distant atmosphere (at U of Toronto, where I did the meditation, it was a free drop in, so people came and went, and I really liked the non-being-enrolled aspect of things). Thank you for reminding me of the loneliness-reducing properties of a good meditation group.