Loneliness and religion — a follow up
If you read some of the older posts on loneliness and religion, you’ll see that I’m leaning towards religion as part of what I’m now thinking of as my “daily maintenance” approach to loneliness. I have tried two congregations in town: one Anglican, one Catholic. Neither felt like the right fit.
The town where I live is small enough that, on weekends, the paper just lists all the services going on — sort of like a movie listing, but for faith. And I find myself going through the list, thinking, No, that’s too early, or, Does that place have parking?
I’m really, really interested in the mega-churches that operate in the States (there are no mega-churches in Newfoundland). I can’t see myself becoming a member of such an assembly, but I’ve read about how they actually provide a lot of social services (employment skills training, food banks, daycare), and this notion intrigues me.
More to follow, as I make my way to another service this weekend.
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23 Responses to “Loneliness and religion — a follow up”
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Emily – I tried something along this view years and years ago.
I didn’t frequent the church, but I put an advertisement in their newsletter that I wanted to set up a friendship group for adult women, and what ended up happening is that 2 women contacted me. So we met for coffee and all they did was talk about church things and kid-related things since they were both mothers of young children.
The same thing happened when I joined a local quilting group that met up at the local church hall each friday evening. Many of them were members of that church (some lived in the same street as each other too) and they knew each other already so it was hard to break into their established friendship group.
Don’t let this put you off – just sharing my own experience.
Good luck!
Hi Emily
I just wanted to write and tell you how much I appreciated your book – I stayed up late last night finishing it! I’ve experienced bouts of loneliness throughout my life but the last few years have been extremely difficult and a lot of what you wrote helped me to make sense of my own loneliness and responses to it. I moved to Canada 8 years ago for my partner’s employment and, unfortunately, I moved to a very conservative Canadian city – one that is known for being “cool” towards newcomers. I tried really hard when I first came here to make connections although, like you, I got frustrated at how much they cost financially – in my case, I used to go to yoga classes quite a bit. At the time it definitely helped although the ethos and teachers at the studio have now changed – I don’t like the changes, so I rarely go now although I miss the opportunity it provided for social connection. Like you outline in the book though, I found my behaviour has changed and I am a much more withdrawn person now. So my loneliness started as situational but is also increasingly feeling emotional and chronic – particularly as my relationship with my partner has deteriorated which is an additional stress. Since you wrote the book have you found any other things that have helped ease the loneliness you experience? BTW I now study part-time at college which in some ways exacerbates the situation as I see people around me who are so “connected” to others. I also see a therapist which helps but I have to say I’ve found nothing to date that has really removed loneliness from my life and the cultural differences I experience seem to make it all the more worse. Thanks for writing your book – it’s been really helpful.
Try Church of the Good Samaritan … they have solid, gospel based teachings and a large fellowship and outreach program.
Further to my last note Emily, I was just wondering, have you ever tried the practice of gratitude? Like keeping a gratitude journal? I have tried a bit in the past and have found it’s helped a bit in terms of shifting my mood but I’ve never kept with it for long. I was just browsing online and found this link which links to research in this area – thought you might find it interesting and it’s not something you covered in the book
http://psychology.ucdavis.edu/labs/emmons/
I will look, but I am fairly sure they are not in my province. Only a small number of churches in Newfoundland…Thank you for the suggestion, though.
I have heard of gratitude journals, but have never tried one. Since I “journal” regularly re my thoughts and feelings, it probably wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to add a gratitude journal. Thank you for sharing the link.
I’m really glad the book has been helpful. Just learning more about loneliness is one of the most powerful “tools” that I can recommend in dealing with it. I wish I had a magic charm to make the state go away (some people will in fact promise such charms), but I haven’t found anything along those lines. As I’ve noted on the blog, I’m currently exploring religion, and I’m forcing myself to socialize (ie., meet people for coffee) even when my mind is screaming, “No! Don’t do it!” My loneliness has changed me, too, and it’s now harder for me to do things (such as coffee dates) which used to come quite easily.
John Cacioppo, the neuroscientist I interview in the book, has some advice for lonely people on his website, which is http://www.scienceofloneliness.com. If you try it, let me know if it’s helpful. (I try to keep John’s precepts in mind when I’m lonely, but it’s tough.)
Hi Emily,
I’ve just found out about your book. I can’t wait to buy it. The cover blew me away. I’m that lone bird sitting on the wire.
I’ve recently finished a memoir for my family about my own struggle with loneliness and all its ramifications. I wanted them to understand why I am the way I am, but I’m not certain it completely did the trick. They’re still giving me lots of well meaning advice about how to be a “normal” member of society. I’m now rewriting it for hopeful publication.
I hope you find a church where you connect. My experience has not been entirely satisfactory. Even though I am part of a music team in my church, I still feel isolated. I’m still that little bird on the wire no matter how hard I try to fit in.
My husband has accused me many times of not trying hard enough to make friends, but believe me, I have tried. I just cannot find anyone to click with. My journal has become my friend and confidante, and like you at one point, the solitary life of a writer has also become my safe haven. If I couldn’t express myself in creative writing, I would be even more lonely than I already am.
I haven’t discovered if you are married or not. If you’re not, and believe that finding that perfect man would be the answer to your sense of isolation, then think again. It could help, but only if you find your perfect soulmate.
My loneliness goes back to my childhood. I always felt stranded in a huge lonely world. Now that I’m a woman of sixty seven I have moreorless accepted that solitude is my destination. It’s easier than constantly trying to find someone who I can truly connect with. I’ve connected with myself instead. Made a decision to not need anyone else. Is that wrong, I wonder? Now I will have your book to perhaps enlighten me a bit on that view. At least you understand. Chronic loneliness is my diagnosis, I’m sure, but is it my legacy? I look forward to reading your experiences and the stories of those you interviewed for your book. Exciting stuff! Thankyou ahead of time for sharing your story with the world. That’s real connection, in my view.
I’m glad the book has been a help to you: that’s why I wrote it. Don’t dismiss (though you don’t seem to be dismissing) the comfort you can take from your dog and the outdoors — these are real relationships, and are important. Also bear in mind that most studies show that feelings of aloneness diminish with age. I don’t mean this as a trite bit of self-help, but just as a piece of information that might make a current sense of aloneness easier to bear. Pat your dog for me.
I am married to a man who IS religious- so I tag along, and that helps. He’s Orthodox, and I find the orthodox services so lovely- maybe there’s an orthodox church near you. They can be hard to follow at first, but there’s often a guide in the back of the pews.
That and I was raised Quaker and always recommend Quakerism!
I’m really curious about the Quakers, but am having trouble tracking them down here in NL. They seem to not exist here, but I think I’m wrong about that. Must simply look harder!
Emily – in case you haven’t already seen it, I found one Quaker group in St. John’s listed here:
http://www.quaker.ca/ContactInfo/Directory/directory.html#NL
If they aren’t active any more, maybe the general contact phone or email on that site can help – http://www.quaker.ca/ContactInfo/
Good luck!
Just spotted another Quaker lead in Nfld. – again, not sure if it’s current, but just in case:
http://www.quakerfinder.org/quaker/NF
Thank you! I’ll let you know how this quest turns out!
Zen meditation is also good because you can be with people and not talk. After sittings or talks, it is possible to strike up a conversation if you want. i am not a Buddhist but I like that environment. My synagogue has an emphasis on being cheerful and on social conventions that are sometimes painful for me as lonely. The prayers themselves, particularly the psalms, are a balm for loneliness. But the social setting of the synagogue emphasizes family and having an upbeat attitude and can be painful. Though the real relationships I’ve formed are a comfort.
I loved the meditation sessions that I used to sit in on in Toronto. Just as you described it: being with people in a meaningful way without interacting. Now that I’m in a much smaller town, it’s hard to find that same personal yet somewhat distant atmosphere (at U of Toronto, where I did the meditation, it was a free drop in, so people came and went, and I really liked the non-being-enrolled aspect of things). Thank you for reminding me of the loneliness-reducing properties of a good meditation group.
In some ways I feel that religion has been one of the ways that lonliness becomes even more entrenched. It hasn’t helped me – however oddly enough I have found a community that does assuage some feeling of lonliness disconnectedness with an on line community of wiccan believers. They have been more accepting of me, someone they never have actually seen or interacted in person with than the Catholic community I was in for years. Maybe it was the feeling different that made me feel lonely. There is much more to say about online community and the virtual world vs. “real”. I know I have spent years feeling lonely in church, and now feel welcomed in an unstructured place in the cyber world.
Just want to state that some time ago Christa Tibbet of National Public Radio’s “Speaking of Faith” program had a born again christian on her program who stated that for many people religion feeds their need for companionship.
I started going to a Sangha – a Zen meditation group. I don’t know if that is available to you but there are actually online Sanghas now too. I think you find with meditation, that you aren’t alone. I experience loneliness deeply – but have been immeasurably helped by meditation. It alters your perception. And improves your sense of interbeing. Which alleviates loneliness.
I have a wonderful husband and two young boys age 3 and 1 but can feel very lonely at times. Having one or two good friends would help. I have a few aquantances but not close friends. I did not have any friends in gradeschool except for 2 years and that has really hurt me. I know that sounds weird, but I was raised by a mom who was pretty anti-social and told me I didn’t need friends. My dad yelled at us every day of his life and we were always scared he would embarrass us in public. He always said if he lost his job we would end up on the streets; he said this when I was 8 and I believed him.
A child needs friends,and without friends in your younger years, it can make it more difficult as an adult.
I try to not focus on the past because I can’t change it.
I think the key of not being lonely is not caring what others think about you, either they like you or they don’t. This is much easier said than done for me. Also there will always be those that don’t like you. Just to find an outlet of a close friend or two will help me, its just very hard for me to trust females because I have had friendships in the past with women where they basically become too busy to be my friend anymore.
I love to run and even to find someone to jog with would be great.
I work as a physical therapist and like my job since I help people daily, and my patients would have no idea I would write what I have written above.
Since I have kids it is easier now to connect with women with kids.
Anna
Anna, my mom was anti-social, like your mom. And I also had a dad who yelled at us. I can see how growing up in that environment can make it hard to form social bonds. My mom would be so stiff and serious even when barely greeting a grocery store cashier. I feel like I learned from my parents to be suspicious of others, even when there is no reason to be suspicious.
I just started reading your book that I picked up at the library Friday. I like the honesty, usually books are written by people looking at a situation from the outside, and all the suggestions are just fluff. But since you suffer from the same afflication, everything you said just made sense! Even the part about forgetting words! I left church years ago, and I think it just exagerated the lonliness because I worked with people, and found out that we weren’t a “family” after all. Since I left no one has bothered with us.
I was in a born again church. They draw you in with the hope of love, and family, and your just in a crowd of sick people just like yourself, and no one ever gets better. So no one really knows how to help anyone else. It was all about working to bring more sick people into the church! Women would occasionally open up and talk about how lonely they were, but very rarely. It was awful. I was glad I left. Since then, I haven’t really wanted any social interaction. I felt like some kind of loser. I don’t want empty relationships. I’ve gone to knitting groups, but that was bad. I just realized how I didn’t fit in. I don’t want to have to work so hard to belong. I just want to be myself.
I think it’s a genetic disposition. I’m from a shy family, and I’m also introverted. My parents were very dependant on each other for company, and were okay with that. I have to be out and involved with the kids, so I’m aware that I don’t have any friends at all. I would never tell anyone that, but I suspect that alot of women especially are in the same boat.
Thanks for your book!
Hey, you mention church groups. Mega churches, in my short experience, is not what you want if you are lonely. The reason? It’s like a fairgrounds atmosphere when you arrive at the church. In order to make a friendship it is you who must reach out. In my experience, besides that the pastor called me personally, I felt overwhelmed in the church service. BUt you should seek out a small church which is intimate; the reason ebing that when you arrive there, they all greet you and all ask you how you are. When you sing the church songs, every voice is heard; that is, if you think you would enjoy that singing aspect of it (I really do). Singing is soothing, and singing in unison with 15 other people in a beautiful melody can really feel unifying and good. There is also a family-like aspect in a small intimate church that I never felt in a big mega church. That is why the smart Mega Churches offer small weekly bible study groups which get together in people’s homes; they have to do this or no one would feel included in their church; it helps people connect and contact, it also encourages more open communication and intimacy! If you don’t have similar beliefs to the church you are going to, you may tend to get sort of frustrated or angry and feel that you really don’t belong. I see the bible message from a more ‘new age’, open, symbolic viewpoint instead of a strict, non-symbolic viewpoint; my church does not. I wish people would get the symbolism and the poetry and the meaning like I do; but they must be getting it on a different level than I am. It is all okay. If you do not ‘get’ things the way that other members do, see if you, as a writer, can look at the bible in the sense of its symbolic meaning. I think that is what was meant by the original writers, anyway- but that is my personal view; If I had to say it, I’d say maybe 5% of Christians get that the bible is symbolic, but that is only my experience, and I am in the South of Louisiana, where I think maybe people tend to interpret it more strictly. Thanks for reading. -Julie