“High functioning” lonely people
In the Macleans review of Lonely, Anne Kingston refers to me as a “high functioning” lonely person. The phrase is her own — I didn’t suggest it to her — but I think it does a great job of capturing the problem many lonely people face. Contrary to the stereotypes that get tossed around (of the lonely as unattractive, or insincere, or passive), lonely people are often so utterly competent and dishy that no one thinks there’s a problem with their emotional lives.
In my case, as the review points out, the fact that I was managing so well allowed me to completely hide my loneliness. And hiding the state was a problem, because it meant that no one asked me about it. And with no one asking, I was left with what felt like an unmentionable, insurmountable problem.
There’s much to be said for being a “high functioning” lonely person — it lets you escape stigma and censure, and it allows you to keep your private difficulties private. But I think functioning so dog-gone well can also make the loneliness much harder to bear….simply because no one will think to ask you about it.
This entry was posted on Tuesday, February 16th, 2010 at 3:23 pm and is filed under the category Dealing with Loneliness.
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14 Responses to ““High functioning” lonely people”
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Wow….you just described me. That’s both liberating and disconcerting.
I am lonely too and fight this hovering feeling most days. I had just recently come to an awareness that this has something to do with intellect. I would love to feel the joy of unawareness, of simplicty. I’m not saying that I’m an academic genius type person however I do believe that the level of functioning of my thought processes have something to do with my lonelienss. I have not read your book and look forward to doing so and learning from your insights.
As a high-functioning adult, I know how it feels to have to dumb down my persona in public. The problem is that the greater the disconnect between real and public personas, the more intense the feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction. In my case, it turns into a vicious cycle, where I’m resentful that no one “gets” me and adopt an increasingly diluted persona, which feeds the feeling of resentfulness.
I feel alienated from the majority of my peer group – I’ve advanced quickly in my organization so my work colleagues are 20-30 years older than me. I don’t really share many interests with people my age – we don’t think along the same timelines. I naturally operate in a 7-10 year planning cycle which makes it very difficult to live in the moment.
Fortunately, I do have a few close friends that accept my “real” self. Unfortunately, they are hundreds of kilometers away and I only see them a few times a year. My wife provides me a great support, but even she is only one person.
But all is not lost – I just completed a retreat with a bunch of like-minded individuals and found myself able to let a bit more of me out. It was a wonderful experience and I hope that some of us will keep in touch going forward.
I know there is something wrong but how we enjoy sometimes the loneliness. I have no friends, don’t go out, nobody calls, etc.
My only interaction with people are at work (3 others there) and college. The bad thing is, my 26 yr. old son has learned my behavior but thank god he found exercising and joined gyms and now is meeting people. But he only has 1 friend.
I wish I had friends like I did when I was a teenager and in my 20′s.
I liked Cidney’s comment about that “hovering feeling”. It describes mine exactly! I’m such an idiot that it took years to identify, and now that I’ve put a name to it I’m really lost. Guess I’ll head to the bookstore-saw the book review in People magazine.
I have realized for quite some time that I had fallen into the lonely pit. I have a demanding job that keeps me at the office 10 hours a day and I come home to a 11 year, bed bound stroke invalid husband and my 2nd. job begins. (I have a day time attendant for him). 99% of our “friends” long ago disappeared when they could not adjust to the drastic changes in our life.
Gone is that gal who once had a never ending social life which has been replaced “all work and no play”. While I have rediscovered my love of photography and do get out with my camera, again I am alone.
What I find amazing is that I am still a happy gal. Lonely but happy. Darn that Irish in me!!
i saw an article about your book in people magazine and knew you were discribing me. im married have kids and grandkids but not one good friend. i have friends at work but rarely does anyone call to go out. i wouldnt think of talking about my lonliness to anyone in my family. everyone thinks i have it so together. i have high blood pressure and anxiety probably to do with feeling lonely
Thank you for giving a voice to the lonely. I’m what you might call a high-functioning lonely person, though the anxiety it causes me has held me back in school. I couldn’t stand art school, people seemed to meld with one another so easily, they shared their talents with one another so easily, and that made me realize how bad my lonliness has gotten. I don’t think I’ve had a real friend since high school. So I’ve been stagnating in secretarial work. I have to put on a facade of sociability for this and it’s so exhausting. I am so “excited” at the end of the day, just to go home. I am going into accounting now. Accounting gives me comfort, it’s predictable, and I can be around people without having to interact very much. And there’s no horrible networking involved like there is in the art world–which is all about “who you know”. But I’m 25, and it’s depressing at the same time to think that this is how I’m spending the healthiest years of my life. I have no real friends, only an ex-boyfriend and his buddy who I joke around with and a long distance relationship with much older man who is trying to get through his divorce, the only person I’ve ever felt really close to. I don’t feel close with any of my peers, especially not the same gender. I’d say I’m an introvert, and an only child to boot, so I rarely get “bored”. But I do often feel lonely and I constantly live in the future, either hoping things will change or dreading all the time I’ll have lost. It is our ability to multi-task personalities–to keep those outside of us minimally satisfied with our behaviour, and to keep ourselves minimally satisfied with our social lives.–that can be such a curse.
I am a 69 y/o woman. I am very healthy except for some aches and pains. I am very friendly and have a variety of friends. I am an only child, so I was born lonely. We did not have many children in our family. The thing that helped me most was reading. It started with comic books, true story magazines and then to books. I have been an avid reader most of my life. When I read I don’t think about my life. All my family is gone except for one cousin in another state across the country. We really have no relationship.
I have volunteered for about 15 years. I think that has saved my life. I worked all my life and have had a good life. I enjoy giving back.
But, I am constantly lonely. I am divorced and have no children, not that I could necessarily count on them if I did. So, with no family and no children it is very difficult.
There was a holiday recently and I had no where to go. I was not invited anywhere. This was the second year in a row. That was very painful for me. As I said I have a number of friends. Most are married with children and grandchildren. Before they had grandchildren we got together a lot. Also, all of my friends have husbands and again, I don’t. I have tried dating recently and it is not working out for me. I don’t really want to say this but the truth is once my friends become widows I will be hearing from them more often. When you are no longer a couple you don’t fit in anymore with your married friends.
If anyone reads this and wants to email please do.
It does feel better to write this down. Thank you,
Sweetpea, I’ve noticed that men often don’t seem to have a problem with leaving their wives sitting home alone while they go places with their guy friends. Yet, wives are more likely to think that they need to include their husbands in almost everything that they plan. If more women would take a little time away from their husbands, then their friends would feel more appreciated.
I’m also divorced with no children. Often, I will make plans with a friend for a day that is CLOSE to a holiday (shortly before or after, but not on the actual day of the holiday). That way, I don’t feel left out, because I did get to spend time with my friend. Also, it allows my friend to stick with her usual routine of only having her family with her at holidays.
As nice as it would be to be included in someone’s holiday plans, I don’t count on it. I guess that friends feel that they will have to invite their single friends every single time if they get started with that. If they don’t invite you the first time for a holiday, then they don’t feel obligated to invite you for the next holiday.
Another consideration is that women don’t trust other women near their husbands.
How did my life evolve to this? I once had friends & now I have just one. I try not to call her too often, I don’t want to be a bother. I am so very busy with work…6 days a week. Sometimes I really can’t stand the isolation and at other times I truly love my life. Are there many of us out there that live this way??
Emily: I have just finished reading your very eloquent book on a subject I am all too familiar with. With every page, I attempted to grasp the concepts objectively and integrate them subjectively…and felt compassion for your aching honesty. Loneliness has been a feature of my entire life but only recently labelled it as such (I had only acknowledged it as feeling ‘isolated’ or ‘alienated’). There was something shameful in calling it ‘lonely’. But it can only be examined and FELT when properly acknowledged. I’ll touch on two concepts (out of many!) that you explored in your book. The concept of distorted thinking in that being alone is safe and easy – living my life ‘safely’ reduced anxiety and ‘messiness’ but also created a sterile, lonely, and emotionally painful prison. The payoff of safety is too high and dangerous to my health in all dimensions. Second, the attraction of barren places to visit or work – I now am able to grasp that the attraction to exterior lonely places matched the barren and lonely interior of my life.
Thank you for this opportunity to express these thoughts…a first for me.
Wow!! I just finished reading all the comments above and can’t believe how much I have in common with “all the lonely people”. I too would describe myself as a High-functioning and rarely giving the impression of someone that is lonely. However, raw loneliness has been an integral part of my life for most of my life and I have often felt ashamed to think that I could not live a life like most people. I was an only child for over 7 years and filled my time playing by myself or staying with adults. As the eldest child, I was expected to set an example of responsibility and maturity. My father became ill with multiple sclerosis at a very young age and I had to grow up very quickly. There was little time for friendships. I soon became my mother’s closest companion and we still have a very strong bond. I consider her my best friend and the only family I can rely on. My yonger sister will criticize me often for not having a social life or any friends, but will never include me in her life. As an honour-role student, I used to think that the other kids my age were very immature and I didn’t feel comfortable being their friend. The truth was that they were being kids but I was a kid being an adult. When I entered the work world, I tried to fit in but always felt different from my peers. When it came to 9-5, I could talk, laugh, and joke with the best of them, but as soon as quitting time came, I rushed to my car and rarely accepted an invitation for after-work get-togethers. I felt that I had put in my time at the office and needed to get home to my mother and my responsibilities. My co-workers acted like silly teenagers and I felt that I didn’t fit the mold. I was branded as anti-social and a snob. Personal relationships with men or women didn’t last long no matter how much I tried. I soon realized that the things that I craved and needed the most in my life (love, friendship, companionship, trust) were also the things that caused me the greatest fear and pain. Rejection and loneliness became my greatest companions. I am now 53 years of age, fairly attractive, recently retired, love doing many things but find myself just as lonely as when I was young. No one phones me. I have one friend that I see 3 times a year. No one invites me to social gatherings. Married people don’t want me around because I am not part of a couple and don’t fit in. Being a wife and mother were two of my most important plans. They never materialized. I know that I will grow old alone and unwanted. I have tried dating sites but the faces and descriptions are not acceptable to me. I try to fill my life doing things that I enjoy (cooking, gardening, walking, cycling, reading, etc.) but I am always alone. I enjoy my solitude and privacy, but I detest the unbearable loneliness. It all seems like such a contradiction. When I first meet someone and strike up a conversation, people will comment on how well-spoken, intelligent, friendly and outgoing I am, and therefore, they ask why I’m not married. The answer is always the same – I never met the right person. I can pretend that everything is great in my life but when I close the door, I fall apart and the tears just flow. I have lost certain people in my life that were extremely important and feel like loving someone will only bring more pain. It’s like being on a ferris wheel that never stops.
One of the most difficult aspects of being so lonely is that people see me as highly competent and “together” instead of severely lonely. They compliment me on my “courage” and my “independence.” It makes it almost impossible for me to tell the truth about how lonely and how debilitating that feels. I was once told that my isolation was intriguing to others and they somehow felt I really together to be so alone. That makes it almost impossible for me to counter with my true feelings. I am totally flabbergasted that anyone would idealize my life but that’s what I hear. It seems to be a case of projecting what they would like for themselves on to me. It is even more isolating to be so totally misunderstood.
They think it is so bold of me to go to India for a month alone but the truth is I pay to have a guide with me and it’s one time I’m not alone for long periods. I look forward to paying for connection but it’s costly and I can’t do it for long.
For me high functioning means able to cover well. I’ve had a life time of experience “pretending” and do it well. So well others don’t think there is anything wrong and that is doubly isolating. There is also that fear of letting anyone know there is a problem. My parents don’t even know nor does my son. I’m really good at acting. But what a miserable life. I would love to be the person everyone thinks I am but I know I’m not. Just ask my dogs. I cry, I rage sometimes so unjustly at them, I’m an emotional rollercoaster and that adds to feelings of self loathing for being such a bad person masquerading as someone people seem to look up to. The more I am told how great I am, the more I cannot let them see who I really am. That’s the prison and it’s in my own head. I don’t want to let them know how lonely I am; how dysfunctional I feel, how much I hate who I am and that, in turn, keeps me from making connections because they might find out.
I make great efforts to connect, then sabotage them at the last minute or write them off as something I really don’t want or as too much trouble in the end.
It’s hard. I have struggled with it for 59 years and don’t see it ever getting better.