Comments on: Are we all fundamentally alone?

By: Brenda

Brenda — Wed, 02 Mar 2011 19:27:29 +0000

Hello Emily, I’ve just finished reading your book and I want to thank you for writing it. I found that it resonated with me considerably. I struggle with chronic depression in addition to loneliness, and I agree that they are very different. On the subject of loneliness and creativity, I have a paradox to tell you about. Last year I attended a four-day painting workshop, and I loved it – found it a very positive experience. For once, I didn’t retreat, withdraw, or avoid – I just experienced. I loved the feeling of painting in the company of the other students and the instructor, though each of us was quietly working on our own. When I came home, though, I found – still do find – it virtually impossible to motivate myself to paint alone. I seem to miss the atmosphere of the studio so much that I don’t function well outside it. (This is possibly due to the depression, I don’t really know). I’m trying to overcome this, because art is something that a solitary can practice and hope to find engagement in, but right now it’s an insurmountable issue. I have read Storr’s book too, and he says somewhere in it that if one can find a creative outlet, then relationships are not as crucial. I’m wondering if any of the many creative people who read this blog can comment on his statement, or on their experiences with loneliness and creativity.

Thanks!

By: Sera

Sera — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 18:51:13 +0000

Many years ago my husband and I were in couples dealing with distance issues that stemmed from when I had a miscarriage. I felt he (and everyone else in my life) had really abandoned me during the miscarriage and its aftermath and I was kind of bitter about it. He felt like he’d had this horrible thing happen to him and was too busy with his own feelings to pay me any mind. (Ooh, still bitter I guess.) I had always acknowledged his loss and trauma, but I was the one who had almost died. I felt a little sympathy would have been nice.
Anyway, at couples, when I spoke of facing all that alone, the therapist got teary-eyed. It turns out she had gone through a breast cancer scare and had experienced the same thing, but one friend had reached out to her and it had made such a difference. It only takes one person to save someone from being alone.
But she said something even more important to me and I’ve never forgotten it. As much as humans are pack animals, we are separate, sentient beings and so are alone. If we get hurt, it’s just us feeling it. Others can have sympathy or empathy, but we’re the only one with the pain. We get separated at birth and from then on we’re just one. When we die, we do it as one creature alone. It helps a little to remember that when we’re craving togetherness so badly it hurts, when we are wondering where our support and sympathy is. We feel alone at horrible times because, well, we sort of are alone, even with others. So….maybe us lonely people aren’t feeling anything all that different from people who have vast social circles.

By: Pete

Pete — Tue, 11 May 2010 04:28:48 +0000

Why do you think it is easier for women to talk about loneliness than it is for men?

By: Emily

Emily — Sun, 09 May 2010 22:39:39 +0000

Hi, no the book was not written for a female audience. I think it’s just easier for women to talk about loneliness than it is for men. I’m glad you liked the book.

By: Pete

Pete — Sun, 09 May 2010 17:33:12 +0000

Emily, Was your book written directed toward female loneliness or a female audience? It seems to me that these message boards are dominated by female authors. I’m just curious. I’m a male and I enjoyed your book.

By: Anosha

Anosha — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 10:43:33 +0000

Hi Emily

Great to see you have found your creative path….your subject of loneliness certainly strikes many chords…music that is heard by many creative and intelligent people… however I do think there is a huge disparity between aloneness and loneliness. We are all one in our aloneness and it is true that we enter life this way and leave life this way… but loneliness is more a feeling of not being worthy of connection with another … for whatever supposed reason …and the more we isolate ourselves the stronger this feeling becomes ..it is a subjective thought process that we do to ourselves, unwittingly or not…Buddha says the way around this is to think not of yourself but the other and what you can give to them….whether it be a smile or a friendly gesture…that giving to others is the way to find your true self…not just a thought but a way of being…. namaste…. Anosha

By: notabozo

notabozo — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:59:11 +0000

All human emotion is “normal” until it becomes “chronic”. Then there is a problem because now it is unbalanced. We are born alone? – no everyone gets a mother and a womb. We die alone – maybe – depending on one’s spiritual beliefs?

By: notabozo

notabozo — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 21:46:03 +0000

I am in my fifties and I am starting to become “concerned” I probably have 20 earth years or more to be cosumed by lonliness. Knowing that as I get older my contacts are becoming fewer and I will be dealing with “elderly” issues. I urge people who relate to this book to pass it on to your friends and family – it might enlighten one more person.

By: Solace

Solace — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 04:59:13 +0000

Hey this is Solace from They Say That We Are Crazy.

I am glad someone has written a book about persistent loneliness. It is indeed separate from depression, and can be all-consuming. It is not a need for a lover, but more simply a reaching-out, a need for a real connection.

Being alone is very different from being lonely. I have caring family members and friends, decent health and a good childhood. Yet I still feel lonely.

I believe that many of these issues we deal with such as depression, loneliness, eating disorders, addictions, ect. are all apart of the human condition. But should be ignore these? By all means no. Those who need help should feel free to ask for it. Instead we are kept quiet by stigma, and bound by fear of committing the Eighth Sin, the sin of weakness.

Thank you for speaking out on behalf of the silent. Thank you for your systematic bravery.

By: Anonymous

Anonymous — Mon, 15 Mar 2010 01:24:46 +0000

If you don’t have a family you are an outsider in our society. When I’m not being so hard on myself, I realize my isolation is no fault of my own, I’m a good person who tries so hard, it’s just the the way our society is structured. How I wish people would realize we are all part of the human family, and we all need a little love from time to time. Just a small kindness means so much to a lonely person. “Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”