Are we all fundamentally alone?
A new comment on Lonely has just appeared in Canada’s Globe and Mail. In it, Leah McLaren sums up by saying that we’re all fundamentally alone–that we’re born alone, die alone, and spend time alone during those two pivotal moments.
Leah and I went back and forth on this during my interview, and I respect her right to conclude that loneliness is just part of the human condition, because we’re all so essentially alone. But I really, really disagree with her.
I just don’t think that we are, or are meant to be, fundamentally alone. Social science research is showing the extent to which we need each other–if we’re subjectively or objectively isolated for long periods of time, we die earlier, and–before that death–we have more things go wrong with our bodies. There’s been a wonderful, ongoing experiment conducted on our ability to know when someone is thinking about us (described in the book The Sense of Being Stared At): the experiment shows that some part of our brain can detect human connection, even if the rest of our senses cannot.
I decided when writing Lonely that I would not address the whole notion of “fundamental aloneness,” largely because the idea seemed uninteresting and out of date to me. But many people clearly still think this way. Perhaps it was spending years reading about loneliness and social connection that made me realize how connected we really are — and I probably shouldn’t assume that others are simply going to appreciate these ideas.
I could go on and on here (in fact, I am going on and on), but I think the notion of fundamental aloneness just doesn’t accord with what I strongly suspect to be true: which is that we do most of our growing in relation to others, and that we’re intensely and uncomfortably vulnerable when we do find ourselves–through no choice of our own–on our own too much of the time.
This entry was posted on Sunday, February 28th, 2010 at 10:36 am and is filed under the category Loneliness and Creativity.
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13 Responses to “Are we all fundamentally alone?”
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Hello Emily,
I’m reading your book for the first time and I am finally glad that there is a book, not about loneliness in love, but overall loneliness.
I too have been lonely since I was born. I mean that, both of my parents came from another country. I think that I got the loneliness because of that and because most of my other family members are still living in that other country, and I cannot read or write in that language. I forgot to mention that I have an older brother.
But loneliness has followed me through school, university, and still around with me today. I’m in my 30s and I don’t have any friends or boyfriends.
And I do agree that we do need times to be alone, but we also need times to be social and to communicate with others.
I too thought that there needed to be a book just about one person’s loneliness. I was tired, in a sense, of not seeing enough about the subject. I don’t think my book can take loneliness away, but I think it can take some of the silence away, and reflect on an experience. I hope you enjoy Lonely.
Emily,
I was fortunate to hear your interview with Shelagh Rogers. My response was one of both relief and surprise in that your description of lonliness mirrored mine exactly. How extraordinary after so many conversations with seemingly futile explanations from me on how I, happily married mother of four, owner of five pets and friend to many could possibly feel alone. Thank you!!
P.S. I too had to shout, “I AM NOT DEPRESSED.”
If you don’t have a family you are an outsider in our society. When I’m not being so hard on myself, I realize my isolation is no fault of my own, I’m a good person who tries so hard, it’s just the the way our society is structured. How I wish people would realize we are all part of the human family, and we all need a little love from time to time. Just a small kindness means so much to a lonely person. “Whoever you are, I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”
Hey this is Solace from They Say That We Are Crazy.
I am glad someone has written a book about persistent loneliness. It is indeed separate from depression, and can be all-consuming. It is not a need for a lover, but more simply a reaching-out, a need for a real connection.
Being alone is very different from being lonely. I have caring family members and friends, decent health and a good childhood. Yet I still feel lonely.
I believe that many of these issues we deal with such as depression, loneliness, eating disorders, addictions, ect. are all apart of the human condition. But should be ignore these? By all means no. Those who need help should feel free to ask for it. Instead we are kept quiet by stigma, and bound by fear of committing the Eighth Sin, the sin of weakness.
Thank you for speaking out on behalf of the silent. Thank you for your systematic bravery.
I am in my fifties and I am starting to become “concerned” I probably have 20 earth years or more to be cosumed by lonliness. Knowing that as I get older my contacts are becoming fewer and I will be dealing with “elderly” issues. I urge people who relate to this book to pass it on to your friends and family – it might enlighten one more person.
All human emotion is “normal” until it becomes “chronic”. Then there is a problem because now it is unbalanced. We are born alone? – no everyone gets a mother and a womb. We die alone – maybe – depending on one’s spiritual beliefs?
Hi Emily
Great to see you have found your creative path….your subject of loneliness certainly strikes many chords…music that is heard by many creative and intelligent people… however I do think there is a huge disparity between aloneness and loneliness. We are all one in our aloneness and it is true that we enter life this way and leave life this way… but loneliness is more a feeling of not being worthy of connection with another … for whatever supposed reason …and the more we isolate ourselves the stronger this feeling becomes ..it is a subjective thought process that we do to ourselves, unwittingly or not…Buddha says the way around this is to think not of yourself but the other and what you can give to them….whether it be a smile or a friendly gesture…that giving to others is the way to find your true self…not just a thought but a way of being…. namaste…. Anosha
Emily, Was your book written directed toward female loneliness or a female audience? It seems to me that these message boards are dominated by female authors. I’m just curious. I’m a male and I enjoyed your book.
Hi, no the book was not written for a female audience. I think it’s just easier for women to talk about loneliness than it is for men. I’m glad you liked the book.
Why do you think it is easier for women to talk about loneliness than it is for men?
Many years ago my husband and I were in couples dealing with distance issues that stemmed from when I had a miscarriage. I felt he (and everyone else in my life) had really abandoned me during the miscarriage and its aftermath and I was kind of bitter about it. He felt like he’d had this horrible thing happen to him and was too busy with his own feelings to pay me any mind. (Ooh, still bitter I guess.) I had always acknowledged his loss and trauma, but I was the one who had almost died. I felt a little sympathy would have been nice.
Anyway, at couples, when I spoke of facing all that alone, the therapist got teary-eyed. It turns out she had gone through a breast cancer scare and had experienced the same thing, but one friend had reached out to her and it had made such a difference. It only takes one person to save someone from being alone.
But she said something even more important to me and I’ve never forgotten it. As much as humans are pack animals, we are separate, sentient beings and so are alone. If we get hurt, it’s just us feeling it. Others can have sympathy or empathy, but we’re the only one with the pain. We get separated at birth and from then on we’re just one. When we die, we do it as one creature alone. It helps a little to remember that when we’re craving togetherness so badly it hurts, when we are wondering where our support and sympathy is. We feel alone at horrible times because, well, we sort of are alone, even with others. So….maybe us lonely people aren’t feeling anything all that different from people who have vast social circles.
Hello Emily, I’ve just finished reading your book and I want to thank you for writing it. I found that it resonated with me considerably. I struggle with chronic depression in addition to loneliness, and I agree that they are very different. On the subject of loneliness and creativity, I have a paradox to tell you about. Last year I attended a four-day painting workshop, and I loved it – found it a very positive experience. For once, I didn’t retreat, withdraw, or avoid – I just experienced. I loved the feeling of painting in the company of the other students and the instructor, though each of us was quietly working on our own. When I came home, though, I found – still do find – it virtually impossible to motivate myself to paint alone. I seem to miss the atmosphere of the studio so much that I don’t function well outside it. (This is possibly due to the depression, I don’t really know). I’m trying to overcome this, because art is something that a solitary can practice and hope to find engagement in, but right now it’s an insurmountable issue. I have read Storr’s book too, and he says somewhere in it that if one can find a creative outlet, then relationships are not as crucial. I’m wondering if any of the many creative people who read this blog can comment on his statement, or on their experiences with loneliness and creativity.
Thanks!