Loneliness, religion, and attending church

It’s not in LONELY, but one of the things I did when intensely lonely was begin attending Catholic mass at a small chapel near my house. I have to say that those evenings (I went to a 7:00 service) always left me feeling calmed. I liked the Catholic tradition of shaking hands—sometimes these fleeting handshakes could provide me with the sense of touch I so badly needed.

I liked it that there was no commercial aspect to the service. I liked it that I could arrive as early as I wanted and leave as late as I wished. I liked it that hardships were discussed in the sermon, making me feel as though it was fine and normal to be leading a life that felt difficult. I liked it that solitary individuals were often held up as admirable, and that “crowds” and “groups” weren’t glorified the way they are in pop culture.

In short, church, or religion, or whatever you want to call it, really did make me feel less lonely. I remember one evening when I was so lonely I felt haggard. I didn’t want to sit near others in case they could “tell” how lonely I was. But the service comforted me, and I left church that evening feeling—if not connected—then at least less alone.

I think that one thing a religious service does is allow you to see other people as “safe.” Loneliness cues threat perceptions, making us see the people around us as potential hazards. And everything—at least in the church I went to—was so hushed, the people so respectful and deferential, the lighting so soft, that it let me break out of the pattern of feeling threatened around others. It let me be with others while feeling (at least for the duration of the service) secure. I think this is an extremely important element in overcoming loneliness, and one that should be more widely available.